Here we are, embarking on yet another holiday season, which means the time you've been waiting for all year has finally arrived: my annual what-I'm-thankful-for Thanksgiving post. I don't know if you remember or not, but at the time of last year's posting, I had just been broken up with by La Dispute Guy and was not in the best place. This year, things on the surface don't seem much better--despite my post-AVA proclamation about being over M (which totally wasn't a lie but a gun jumping on my part), I'm still hurting a little from the end of that, I'm semi-involved with someone who doesn't make me feel much better about, well, anything at all, and there's the whole new school debacle--but I guess I'm just happier inside because I feel nowhere near as low as I did last year at this time.
Of course, I did run a 5k this morning plus have a really good conversation with someone who used to be super special to me which means you might just be hearing ramblings induced by my residual runner's high and conversation with a former crush, and much like my gun jumping about being over M, I might be horrifically miserable in real life. But right now, goddammit, I feel good, and so before that feeling is gone it's time for
Things That I'm Thankful For, 2019
1. This one may come as a shock, but at the top of the list this year is my relationship with Kei. I think everyone who knows me knows how I feel about Griffin and how close the two of us are, which of course I'm thankful for, but the two of us are just a given, a lot like many mothers and sons. Keifer isn't like that. Keifer doesn't love anyone because he's supposed to or feel the need to carry out any social niceties, and he certainly doesn't pretend to love me or care about me because of the things I do for him (like I suspect he's done with other people in his life) because he's been doing everything on his own since he turned 18. When Keifer texts me his songs or that he loves me or calls to share something about his life, it's because he wants to text me his songs or tell me that he loves me or to share something about his life, not because he should. The way Kei has been for the past few years, it wouldn't have been much of a surprise if he'd slipped away from me, but he's done the opposite of that, and for that, he's the first what-I'm-thankful-for on this list.
2. Griffin. I know, I know, you've heard it all before, but hear me out again. With Kei, I'm grateful for our relationship. With Griffin, I'm grateful just that he exists. That kid--that weirdly intellectual, emotional, daring, caring, creative, musical guru of a kid who's the oddly accurate sum of the math equation Kelly + Glenn = ___________ --amazes me just because he is.
3. My house. Now here's one I never thought I'd be thankful for (seeing as I hate this place), but earlier this month I had to stay at an Airbnb while my house was tented for termites. Because I didn't want to spend a ton of money to stay down the street from my house, I stayed in the cheapest place that would take me and my dogs. That place was a mobile home. Now, maybe I'm just being snobby because that guy I mentioned who I'm semi-involved with along with lots of reviewers on Airbnb thought the place was really nice, but after staying in that mobile home, I really appreciate where I live
4. and while I'm on the subject of Airbnb, I guess that's something I should thank. My dogs have made travel pretty difficult, and in the days before Airbnb, it was sometimes actually impossible because dogs weren't allowed at hotels or if we did get to stay at hotels, we'd get letters or calls threatening to kick us out. Airbnb has made it so I can go to a lot more places than I'd otherwise be able to go.
5. Ms. X. That's not her real name, but my gratitude toward her sure is real. Ms. X is my administrator at my new school, and I like her so much I sent her brownies last week. Funny thing: You know that meme that was recently popular that was like, No one (silence); No one (silence) Absolutely no one (silence); Me: (Insert some statement that typifies a person)? Well, I'm not lying when I say that's how it was when I started. Every single person, and I really do mean every single person, told me how much I was going to love it there but to stay away from Ms. X. It was like, Oh, you're a new English teacher? That's great! Stay away from Ms. X! or some similar incarnation of that, and when I tell you that Ms. X (fine, and the principal who I also happen to really like) is the only thing good about that place, I don't jest. Ms. X, I don't know if you're reading this (although I really hope you're not), but if you are, there's something wrong with ALL OF THEM, not with you.
6. M although not for any reason people who know me would likely expect. I'm not about to be all sentimental like, He taught me this! Or I'll always cherish our time! but rather I'm going to say that it's because of him that I recently had a poem published, have one forthcoming next month, and have been writing and sending to publications again. When the two of us were through, I reworked and sent out a poem I had written about him, and the thing about sending poems is publications like to get more than one; because of this, I also sent out a poem I had lying around for a couple years. While "Los Ambos" or "Los Dos," or whichever name I happen to be calling it, the poem I wrote about him didn't get picked up, the old one did (haven't seen it? Go to Rat's Ass Review and scroll down to Kismet McIntyre), twice (long story), and well, I guess I'm a writer again (not that that ever really stopped).
7. The Wonder Years. I don't know if I've thanked them before (I don't want to look at any old lists so I can later compare and contrast), but their music, like Real Friends who I know I've mentioned in the past, has changed my life. I don't want to say their poetic, profound, pathos-driven lyrics are the direct result of Soupy having the same birthday as me, but I can't bring myself not to say it, either.
8. The opportunity to be able to influence lives. That poem I mentioned before? When I got it published, one of my old students, a writer now herself, messaged me and told me she credits me with her love for writing, and the boy who sat right next to her in the same class ? He's a poet now who just wrote his first poetry book. I'm not saying I'm unique--teachers affect kids' lives every day--but it's still an awesome thing.
9. Being small. This is in no way meant to disparage anybody who's not, but I'm so happy I'm only 5'2" (well, truth be told I'd like to be 5', but it could be way, way worse).
10. Cafe Ba-Ba-Reeba! It's my favorite restaurant in Chicago, the place where, when I was 11 or 12, I had tapas for the first time. It would be crazy if I remembered exactly what I ate that night but I do know for a fact I had goat cheese and calamari and that it kind of paved the way for me being open minded about, and willing to try, different foods throughout my life. Every single time I go to Chicago I have to eat at Ba-Ba-Reeba!, and I swear one year I'm flying there on my birthday just to eat dinner and flying right back.
11. I can't mention Cafe Ba-Ba-Reeba! without mentioning my cousin Paulette. I don't know if I've written about her before, so pardon me if I did, but Paulette, who I hated a lot more often than I loved her, had a tremendously far reaching effect on my life. Although a lot of it wasn't good, much of it was. Paulette, my mom's first cousin, was cool and cosmopolitan--think Chicago's version of Carrie Bradshaw before Carrie Bradshaw was a thing. Once engaged to billionaire restauranteur Richard Melman, who remained her best friend until she not-too-long-ago died, she was...fancy? She took me and my sister to the fanciest, most expensive restaurants in Chicago from the time we were little kids, bought us fancy, expensive clothes, and taught us to appreciate fancy, expensive things. I grew up having a very tumultuous relationship with Paulette, but the longer she's gone, the more I appreciate her influence on my life.
12. Novocaine and nitrous oxide, which may sound dumb, but if you'd just gotten a wisdom tooth pulled two days ago, you'd be thankful for those things, too.
13. The seasoned egg in ramen. (How does it taste so good?)
14. How easy it was for my ears to stretch up this last time. I mean, it was a little bit on the annoying side, but if you only knew what I've been through, the frustration I've felt from this non-sticky bondage tape, you'd understand.
15. Boys with dark brown hair and dark brown eyes, and if you need a visual to go along with that, picture Diego Luna or Jim Sturgess or Freddie Rodriguez or Esai Morales when he was young like in Wildcats or La Bamba, and if you're thinking I have a type, you're not at all wrong
16. except that I have more than one and I'd be remiss to not express my thankfulness for androgynous girls and boys like Timothee Chalamet and Ezra Miller and Kristen Stewart and Ruby Rose and omg, I cannot not mention Gerard Way from the era of Danger Days.
17. I don't mean to sound vain and be repetitive because without looking I'm sure I mentioned this last year, but dude. My fucking hair: These shiny wild curls cascading down my back.
18. This one is kind of an I'm-thankful-it-exists-in-theory-but-have-not-yet-put-it-into-practice thing, and that's anything and everything geared towards GRE math. I'm pretty sure I'm going back to grad school, and while of course I took the GRE before grad school last time, thanks to schools and their time limits on GRE scores, it looks like I'll be taking the test again. When I took the test ten years ago, I scored in the 93rd percentile on the verbal section and 27th percentile in math, and while that was good enough to get into a program for a writing MFA, the programs I've been looking into this time are a little less lax. These GRE materials are (hopefully) going to remind me how to do math.
19. Skincare (both products and procedures). Yes, I'm back to being vain, but I take meticulous care of my skin, and I--along with a lot of other people who comment on it all the time--love the way that it looks.
20. Sports bras.
21. Laura's Classy Canines. They make Hudson and Jazzy so nice and clean and, um, I have a pretty big crush on one of the women who grooms dogs there.
22. The Alchemist, and I mean the coffee house, not the book
23. but while we're talking about books, The Absolute True Diary of a Part-Time Indian? I loved it so much, I hugged it when I finished reading it last week.
24. The weird goings on in my house. If you know me, you know my house is Weird City, USA. From the period of time when I thought the time-space continuum in my house was broken and Keifer from the past was living in his room to the time Sam's friend Angie ran outside crying and refused to come back in because of the weird noises the two of them were hearing in the empty upstairs to a different time when Sam and his boyfriend went upstairs with a bat because they were sure someone was in the house to the time I came home last week to find straight, short black hair all over the basin in my bathroom even though I live alone to the time a few nights ago I found a single blue star sticker lying in the hallway between Griffin's and Keifer's doors, weird stuff is always happening in my house. It's weird, and it's creepy enough that for the past three nights I slept with my bedroom door locked, and I never know what to expect, so naturally I love that it's going on. Some dating site I used to be on--OkCupid? Plenty of Fish?--asked whether we'd prefer interesting things happen or good things. Imagine choosing something good.
25. Having Griffin and Keifer when I did. I know that you know that now that Griffin and Keifer are gone I sometimes get sad, so this might come as a surprise, but I am so glad I did the mom thing early in life. I mean, obviously the mom thing doesn't just end, but you know what does? Having people entirely dependent on you for everything they need. Driving people everywhere they need to go. Washing other people's dishes and almost having a stroke because there are crumbs all over the counter that you just cleaned. There are people I went to high school with who have kids in less than first grade, and all I have to say is, Thank fucking God that's not me.
26. Retrospect.
27. Crystals, 'cause magic and stuff.
28. Boric acid and probiotics and Good Clean Love and the wisdom amassed by all the bv sufferers who came before me.
29. The block button. Seriously, can anything come in handier than the block button on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram? I know I mentioned in the past that I used it to block my ex-husband on Twitter (at least I think I told you), and I may have told you that years and years ago I used it to block C on Facebook. In the past year, I've also blocked M, LDG, LDG's current girlfriend, and a boy whose name starts with I that you don't know about, from Facebook in the first case and Instagram in the latter three. I didn't block any of these people so they couldn't see me because I'm pretty sure that with the exception of Glenn, none of them could care any less about stalking me on social media; I used the block button to keep me from stalking them. It's impossible--impossible!--to get over someone when aspects of their lives are only a button away--and that's not a generalization, it's a fact--and that block button has been my best friend.
30. The Ross Geller Leftover Thanksgiving Sandwich. If you're a fan of Friends, you know exactly what I'm talking about. What you probably don't know, though, fan of Friends or not, is that Parlour Vegan Bakery makes a vegan version for the holidays--complete with the moist maker--and it's one of the best things I've ever had in my life. Tomorrow Parlour will have that Ross Geller sandwich, and I am so, so thankful for that.
And that, Life's Waiting to Beginners, is that. Another year during which I managed not to die of a broken heart despite the universe's constant murder attempts. Since my number 30 is related to Friends, a totally unintentional thing, I'll leave you with the Friends-related Snapchat I made last year on Thanksgiving after LDG pushed me over the edge. Watch it if you want, or if you're not in the mood to see me act like an ass, don't. Either way, this is Kismet, signing out, wishing you all a happy Thanksgiving and lots of love and peace.
Of course, I did run a 5k this morning plus have a really good conversation with someone who used to be super special to me which means you might just be hearing ramblings induced by my residual runner's high and conversation with a former crush, and much like my gun jumping about being over M, I might be horrifically miserable in real life. But right now, goddammit, I feel good, and so before that feeling is gone it's time for
Things That I'm Thankful For, 2019
1. This one may come as a shock, but at the top of the list this year is my relationship with Kei. I think everyone who knows me knows how I feel about Griffin and how close the two of us are, which of course I'm thankful for, but the two of us are just a given, a lot like many mothers and sons. Keifer isn't like that. Keifer doesn't love anyone because he's supposed to or feel the need to carry out any social niceties, and he certainly doesn't pretend to love me or care about me because of the things I do for him (like I suspect he's done with other people in his life) because he's been doing everything on his own since he turned 18. When Keifer texts me his songs or that he loves me or calls to share something about his life, it's because he wants to text me his songs or tell me that he loves me or to share something about his life, not because he should. The way Kei has been for the past few years, it wouldn't have been much of a surprise if he'd slipped away from me, but he's done the opposite of that, and for that, he's the first what-I'm-thankful-for on this list.
2. Griffin. I know, I know, you've heard it all before, but hear me out again. With Kei, I'm grateful for our relationship. With Griffin, I'm grateful just that he exists. That kid--that weirdly intellectual, emotional, daring, caring, creative, musical guru of a kid who's the oddly accurate sum of the math equation Kelly + Glenn = ___________ --amazes me just because he is.
3. My house. Now here's one I never thought I'd be thankful for (seeing as I hate this place), but earlier this month I had to stay at an Airbnb while my house was tented for termites. Because I didn't want to spend a ton of money to stay down the street from my house, I stayed in the cheapest place that would take me and my dogs. That place was a mobile home. Now, maybe I'm just being snobby because that guy I mentioned who I'm semi-involved with along with lots of reviewers on Airbnb thought the place was really nice, but after staying in that mobile home, I really appreciate where I live
4. and while I'm on the subject of Airbnb, I guess that's something I should thank. My dogs have made travel pretty difficult, and in the days before Airbnb, it was sometimes actually impossible because dogs weren't allowed at hotels or if we did get to stay at hotels, we'd get letters or calls threatening to kick us out. Airbnb has made it so I can go to a lot more places than I'd otherwise be able to go.
5. Ms. X. That's not her real name, but my gratitude toward her sure is real. Ms. X is my administrator at my new school, and I like her so much I sent her brownies last week. Funny thing: You know that meme that was recently popular that was like, No one (silence); No one (silence) Absolutely no one (silence); Me: (Insert some statement that typifies a person)? Well, I'm not lying when I say that's how it was when I started. Every single person, and I really do mean every single person, told me how much I was going to love it there but to stay away from Ms. X. It was like, Oh, you're a new English teacher? That's great! Stay away from Ms. X! or some similar incarnation of that, and when I tell you that Ms. X (fine, and the principal who I also happen to really like) is the only thing good about that place, I don't jest. Ms. X, I don't know if you're reading this (although I really hope you're not), but if you are, there's something wrong with ALL OF THEM, not with you.
6. M although not for any reason people who know me would likely expect. I'm not about to be all sentimental like, He taught me this! Or I'll always cherish our time! but rather I'm going to say that it's because of him that I recently had a poem published, have one forthcoming next month, and have been writing and sending to publications again. When the two of us were through, I reworked and sent out a poem I had written about him, and the thing about sending poems is publications like to get more than one; because of this, I also sent out a poem I had lying around for a couple years. While "Los Ambos" or "Los Dos," or whichever name I happen to be calling it, the poem I wrote about him didn't get picked up, the old one did (haven't seen it? Go to Rat's Ass Review and scroll down to Kismet McIntyre), twice (long story), and well, I guess I'm a writer again (not that that ever really stopped).
7. The Wonder Years. I don't know if I've thanked them before (I don't want to look at any old lists so I can later compare and contrast), but their music, like Real Friends who I know I've mentioned in the past, has changed my life. I don't want to say their poetic, profound, pathos-driven lyrics are the direct result of Soupy having the same birthday as me, but I can't bring myself not to say it, either.
8. The opportunity to be able to influence lives. That poem I mentioned before? When I got it published, one of my old students, a writer now herself, messaged me and told me she credits me with her love for writing, and the boy who sat right next to her in the same class ? He's a poet now who just wrote his first poetry book. I'm not saying I'm unique--teachers affect kids' lives every day--but it's still an awesome thing.
9. Being small. This is in no way meant to disparage anybody who's not, but I'm so happy I'm only 5'2" (well, truth be told I'd like to be 5', but it could be way, way worse).
10. Cafe Ba-Ba-Reeba! It's my favorite restaurant in Chicago, the place where, when I was 11 or 12, I had tapas for the first time. It would be crazy if I remembered exactly what I ate that night but I do know for a fact I had goat cheese and calamari and that it kind of paved the way for me being open minded about, and willing to try, different foods throughout my life. Every single time I go to Chicago I have to eat at Ba-Ba-Reeba!, and I swear one year I'm flying there on my birthday just to eat dinner and flying right back.
11. I can't mention Cafe Ba-Ba-Reeba! without mentioning my cousin Paulette. I don't know if I've written about her before, so pardon me if I did, but Paulette, who I hated a lot more often than I loved her, had a tremendously far reaching effect on my life. Although a lot of it wasn't good, much of it was. Paulette, my mom's first cousin, was cool and cosmopolitan--think Chicago's version of Carrie Bradshaw before Carrie Bradshaw was a thing. Once engaged to billionaire restauranteur Richard Melman, who remained her best friend until she not-too-long-ago died, she was...fancy? She took me and my sister to the fanciest, most expensive restaurants in Chicago from the time we were little kids, bought us fancy, expensive clothes, and taught us to appreciate fancy, expensive things. I grew up having a very tumultuous relationship with Paulette, but the longer she's gone, the more I appreciate her influence on my life.
12. Novocaine and nitrous oxide, which may sound dumb, but if you'd just gotten a wisdom tooth pulled two days ago, you'd be thankful for those things, too.
13. The seasoned egg in ramen. (How does it taste so good?)
14. How easy it was for my ears to stretch up this last time. I mean, it was a little bit on the annoying side, but if you only knew what I've been through, the frustration I've felt from this non-sticky bondage tape, you'd understand.
15. Boys with dark brown hair and dark brown eyes, and if you need a visual to go along with that, picture Diego Luna or Jim Sturgess or Freddie Rodriguez or Esai Morales when he was young like in Wildcats or La Bamba, and if you're thinking I have a type, you're not at all wrong
16. except that I have more than one and I'd be remiss to not express my thankfulness for androgynous girls and boys like Timothee Chalamet and Ezra Miller and Kristen Stewart and Ruby Rose and omg, I cannot not mention Gerard Way from the era of Danger Days.
17. I don't mean to sound vain and be repetitive because without looking I'm sure I mentioned this last year, but dude. My fucking hair: These shiny wild curls cascading down my back.
18. This one is kind of an I'm-thankful-it-exists-in-theory-but-have-not-yet-put-it-into-practice thing, and that's anything and everything geared towards GRE math. I'm pretty sure I'm going back to grad school, and while of course I took the GRE before grad school last time, thanks to schools and their time limits on GRE scores, it looks like I'll be taking the test again. When I took the test ten years ago, I scored in the 93rd percentile on the verbal section and 27th percentile in math, and while that was good enough to get into a program for a writing MFA, the programs I've been looking into this time are a little less lax. These GRE materials are (hopefully) going to remind me how to do math.
19. Skincare (both products and procedures). Yes, I'm back to being vain, but I take meticulous care of my skin, and I--along with a lot of other people who comment on it all the time--love the way that it looks.
20. Sports bras.
21. Laura's Classy Canines. They make Hudson and Jazzy so nice and clean and, um, I have a pretty big crush on one of the women who grooms dogs there.
22. The Alchemist, and I mean the coffee house, not the book
23. but while we're talking about books, The Absolute True Diary of a Part-Time Indian? I loved it so much, I hugged it when I finished reading it last week.
24. The weird goings on in my house. If you know me, you know my house is Weird City, USA. From the period of time when I thought the time-space continuum in my house was broken and Keifer from the past was living in his room to the time Sam's friend Angie ran outside crying and refused to come back in because of the weird noises the two of them were hearing in the empty upstairs to a different time when Sam and his boyfriend went upstairs with a bat because they were sure someone was in the house to the time I came home last week to find straight, short black hair all over the basin in my bathroom even though I live alone to the time a few nights ago I found a single blue star sticker lying in the hallway between Griffin's and Keifer's doors, weird stuff is always happening in my house. It's weird, and it's creepy enough that for the past three nights I slept with my bedroom door locked, and I never know what to expect, so naturally I love that it's going on. Some dating site I used to be on--OkCupid? Plenty of Fish?--asked whether we'd prefer interesting things happen or good things. Imagine choosing something good.
25. Having Griffin and Keifer when I did. I know that you know that now that Griffin and Keifer are gone I sometimes get sad, so this might come as a surprise, but I am so glad I did the mom thing early in life. I mean, obviously the mom thing doesn't just end, but you know what does? Having people entirely dependent on you for everything they need. Driving people everywhere they need to go. Washing other people's dishes and almost having a stroke because there are crumbs all over the counter that you just cleaned. There are people I went to high school with who have kids in less than first grade, and all I have to say is, Thank fucking God that's not me.
26. Retrospect.
27. Crystals, 'cause magic and stuff.
28. Boric acid and probiotics and Good Clean Love and the wisdom amassed by all the bv sufferers who came before me.
29. The block button. Seriously, can anything come in handier than the block button on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram? I know I mentioned in the past that I used it to block my ex-husband on Twitter (at least I think I told you), and I may have told you that years and years ago I used it to block C on Facebook. In the past year, I've also blocked M, LDG, LDG's current girlfriend, and a boy whose name starts with I that you don't know about, from Facebook in the first case and Instagram in the latter three. I didn't block any of these people so they couldn't see me because I'm pretty sure that with the exception of Glenn, none of them could care any less about stalking me on social media; I used the block button to keep me from stalking them. It's impossible--impossible!--to get over someone when aspects of their lives are only a button away--and that's not a generalization, it's a fact--and that block button has been my best friend.
30. The Ross Geller Leftover Thanksgiving Sandwich. If you're a fan of Friends, you know exactly what I'm talking about. What you probably don't know, though, fan of Friends or not, is that Parlour Vegan Bakery makes a vegan version for the holidays--complete with the moist maker--and it's one of the best things I've ever had in my life. Tomorrow Parlour will have that Ross Geller sandwich, and I am so, so thankful for that.
And that, Life's Waiting to Beginners, is that. Another year during which I managed not to die of a broken heart despite the universe's constant murder attempts. Since my number 30 is related to Friends, a totally unintentional thing, I'll leave you with the Friends-related Snapchat I made last year on Thanksgiving after LDG pushed me over the edge. Watch it if you want, or if you're not in the mood to see me act like an ass, don't. Either way, this is Kismet, signing out, wishing you all a happy Thanksgiving and lots of love and peace.
