Today, for your reading pleasure, brought to you courtesy of communication with three men but specifically with a total creep who messaged me on Snapchat last night, is the discussion of something I've talked about here in the past, something I think about often because it's something I, like the rest of the world, can't escape, and that something, people who read my blog, is the entitlement of cis men.
I actually started writing a post sort of about it in May when after six weeks of being bored in my house, I made a Tinder account, my first in over two years. Because the last time I had a Tinder, I would match with people and then we'd just sit there not talking for absolutely ever, I didn't expect it to be anything other than a way to pass the time by reading bios, looking at photos, and swiping while I was bored. Boy was I wrong. I guess I wasn't the only one with nothing to do because as soon as the matches started coming, the messages did, too. I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but it was one of the most daunting things I'd experienced in a long time (which is one of the reasons I ixnayed that nonsense fast). It felt like this
Anyway, when I initially started writing this post on May 12, it was prompted by this exchange,
an exchange which started quite the debate when I posted it on Facebook for my friends and me to ridicule which is one of my - and it seems like their - favorite things to do. On one side was the side of people who agreed with Justin, saying they wouldn't be okay with their girlfriend or boyfriend being a stripper or having an OnlyFans, and on the other side was the side of people who said men needed to stop thinking they were entitled to a woman's body. I wasn't in either camp. I mean, yes, I am absolutely in the latter camp, but that wasn't exactly what I saw going on in this exchange because of course it comes down to personal preference and what one feels comfortable with. What I saw going on in this exchange and what bothered me so much is summed up in Griffin's comment copied and pasted here:
It’s okay to be comfortable/uncomfortable w a (potential) partner’s work/views on sex, and that comfort level should be a big factor on whether to maintain a relationship with that person. The real problem is how he judges another couple for their values as well as his sense of entitlement toward a partner. He’s talking like a relationship is a contract deal.
I don't remember what happened, why I abandoned my post about a quarter of the way in, I only know that I did and that not long after, George Floyd was killed for no reason other than he was black and this world is a disgusting place filled with racism and hate, and now that I think about it, more male entitlement as demonstrated through the entitlement of police, a predominantly male field, who believe it's okay to brutalize whomever they want and kill people because they fit a certain profile (that profile being nothing other than that the people are black).
I also know that right around that time when this guy Rich, who happens to be the son of a bassist from a famous 80s band whose name I won't disclose although I'm super tempted, asked me what I wanted to talk about, the following conversation occurred
Dude.
Dude.
What the fuck?
I won't even mention the racism here because one, I don't know there's much more for me to say other than what's already in the texts, and two, is there really anything I can add to the race conversation that hasn't already been said by people much more eloquent and, in this case of entitlement, much more entitled to speak about it than I am? What I will mention again is the, in this case, entitlement of the completely inappropriate kind, the kind that makes a not-black man think it's perfectly fine for him to use a word with racist overtones, undertones, and any kind of tones that exist. I'll also mention that my friends on Facebook were unanimously outraged over this one and that reactions ranged from people doubting he has black friends at all to doubting that his black friends are actually okay with it.
I'll also mention Rich's accusation that I push my political agenda and pass judgment on people, have a "moral high ground" and talk down to him "about crap that really isn't [my] business anyway." To that I have to say, yes, I pass judgment and believe I have the moral high ground - because I do. I won't repeat what you already read in the texts, but just like in the case of Justin, his opinions and words aren't harmless you-say-tomato, I-say-tomahhto-type things. In both cases, the entitlement of these men is perpetuating a slew of negative things, racism and misogyny being the most overt, internalized loathing, feelings of inferiority, and discord between races and genders perhaps not as much but present nonetheless.
And, finally, we come to the last man, a guy named Giancarlo that I matched with on Hinge in April sometime. Giancarlo and I talked for maybe three days, but he follows me on Snapchat, and last night, he--this guy who I have expressed no interest in and who I've exchanged maybe twenty words with since May 1--sent me this
I hate to repeat myself, but dude.
Dude.
What the fuck?
What makes any person in the world think he's entitled to talk to somebody he barely knows like this? I'm seriously flummoxed. What did he hope to accomplish? Did he think I was going to be like, Omg, Giancarlo, rock my world? That I'd tell him I get hot at the thought of his big bushy beard and want it between my legs?
God, talk about repugnant.
Repulsive.
Gross.
And worst of all? It made me feel repugnant, repulsive, and gross. It made me feel the same kind of repugnant, repulsive, and gross as I felt two years or so ago when one of my closest friends whom I used to mess around with from time to time but had no desire to go all the way with felt entitled enough to make me do so despite my repeatedly saying no and telling him to stop. It made me feel the same kind of repugnant, repulsive, and gross as I felt when instead of listening when I said no, he felt entitled enough to ignore me, instead saying the three words I think about all the time: I'm going in. It made me feel the same kind of repugnant, repulsive, and gross as I felt when, after I tweeted about it last year, he felt entitled enough to actually like my tweet before acknowledging it was harassment in a text.
Wow--
I'll tell you what. I had no idea that was about to come out.
I guess this post isn't actually about three entitled men, it's about
