It's time once again for my annual what-I'm-thankful-for-on-Thanksgiving post--or in the case of last year's post, what I'm not thankful for--and I have to tell you, this is going to be hard, and when I say hard, I mean it's going to be nearly impossible to write. Things haven't exactly been going swimmingly for me lately which is something I could have probably worked with because, let's face it, when does my life consistently swim?, but if we factor into the equation that equals my life that I kind of got dumped at 1:30 in the morning last night, well, nothing is looking very good (I say kind of for reasons I could explain, but break up talk definitely doesn't belong in a what-I'm-thankful-for post, so maybe look out for that another day?). Still, I'm enmeshed in my routines and so this post will persevere.
(And then for my next trick, watch as I get blood from a stone)
Things That I'm Thankful For, 2018
1. Friends. I have some really shitty friends, but I have some amazing ones, too. Between my friend Mike driving down from Lake Worth to look at cars with me for Griffin, Brian offering his blacksmith and welding services to make me a new gate, Danielle flying in from Oregon to take care of me when I had surgery, Curt calling to check up on me all the time, and Katie (who's technically my cousin, but I have a lot of cousins I'd never call friends) hearing about my relationship with La Dispute Guy so much, she's practically in it with us--or was--this has to be number one.
2. My hair. It was super short for so long--since 2008!--and then so unhealthy from being repeatedly bleached, I forgot what my natural grown out hair looks like, and I have to say, it's fucking amazing.
It's this silky, shiny, super soft mass of wild, untamed big loopy curls and perfect banana curls, and I really have to say, I kind of feel like nobody has hair prettier than mine. I totally lucked out when the hair gene was encoded in my DNA.
3. Kelen Capener, @kelenkeller38, bassist for The Story So Far, who I've fallen in love with on Twitter. There's little better than a boy who's cute, funny, and smart, but a boy who's cute, funny, and smart and happens to be in one of the best pop punk bands of all time and plays my favorite instrument, too? How does he even exist?
4. Finally having the nerve to go through with getting a tummy tuck. I swelled horribly both times I was pregnant, the first time gaining almost 80 pounds in 35 weeks--thank God Griffin was premature--and 70 the second time around; as a result, my stomach, while not fat, had loose skin and was a mushy mess. I wanted a tummy tuck for so long and last year finally had the nerve to get it, and I have to say, despite the pain of recovery and immense amount of money I spent, I have zero regrets.
5. Eggs, oatmeal, and avocados, which make up for about 75% of what I eat which now that I think about it brings me to
6. Chocolate Covered Katie, the vegan blogger who turned me onto oatmeal (and vegan pancakes, of course) at some point in the last five or six years and also brings me to
7. Sriracha which has to be in a category all its own. Jesus Christ, I love Sriracha so fucking much.
8. All the sunscreen I've worn since I was seventeen along with my almost total avoidance of the sun. As I get older and older, I'm really starting to see the reward.
9. Being able to poop and pee. Okay, this one's tmi and maybe kind of gross, but after my surgery, I, um, couldn't go. Constipation is a side effect of general anesthesia plus I got a numbing shot directly in my stomach that lasts for three days plus I have some stupid disease called Gilbert's syndrome that makes side effects affect me more than they affect most people, and, well, I ended up in the hospital last Christmas and then the next day had one of the worst, most miserable days of my entire life during which I lay on my bathroom floor having to pee into a stockpot (just--don't ask), and I will never again take for granted the ability to be able to poop and pee for my entire life.
10. Finally having restraint. Okay, so I used to periodically check my ex-husband's Twitter, not because I cared at all about his life because believe me, I didn't and don't, but because despite our being divorced for years, it was almost completely about me, and I'd want to see what he'd write. A few months ago--two or three? Four or Five? Honestly, I have no concept of time, so I have no idea--he wrote something that bothered me so much, I took a screenshot and sent it to all my friends and we all sat and marveled about how he could be so depraved and such a horrible human being although it was really no surprise to any of us, and one person's response about his being a narcissist desperate for attention made me think, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I falling prey to his sick, twisted attempts to make me feel bad, and since that day, I never looked at his Twitter again, and I'm much happier for it. Whoever said what other people think about me is none of my business was not remotely wrong.
11. Netflix. I've needed distraction lately, and watching TV shows is a really good means of distraction. Years ago I used LOST to get over the worst pain of the end of one of my go rounds with C; last night I had a Friends Thanksgiving episode marathon to keep my mind off of LDG.
12. Spotify. Maybe I've talked about this before, but I have to say: Music is so instrumental to my happiness--or not happiness as it so happens--that the music I need when I need it is something I'll forever appreciate.
13. Finally taking the initiative to fix the back room in my house (there are a lot of finally's on this list. I'm sensing a theme). I have this back room in my house that has been falling apart. It's needed a new door, spackling, paint for so long, and I've done nothing but complain. Well, one day I was like, this room is a fucking mess, so I got a new door, I spackled the walls, I painted it, and I lamented starting the project and kveteched every step of the way, but I now have a super cute room that I love to be in, so yay for finally getting things done.
14. Alcohol. I don't want to sound like a lush, but sometimes getting drunk is great.
15. This one comes as a shock even--maybe especially--to me, but I'm thankful for my mom. I'm always going on and on about how Griffin gets his natural writing ability from me, and I recently realized that my ability didn't just spring from nothing. While my mom isn't a writer by any means, she is a storyteller, and I'd be remiss if I didn't realize I owe her for my voice.
16. Being cute.
17. PL. He designs and does almost all of my tattoos and has made my legs works of art.
18. The I in INFP changing to E. Okay, so I know personality tests aren't the most valid thing in life, but I've taken the Myers Briggs test multiple times and always got the same result: INFP. A few days ago I retook it, and the I, which stands for introvert, became an E, which stands for extrovert, and I'm not at all surprised. I don't know what's happened, but over the last couple years, I could feel the change. I've gone from being super shy to the point of shaking over certain things to being able to do a ton of formerly uncharacteristic stuff.
19. Magic. Even though it doesn't feel like it right now, I have to admit, it's everywhere I look.
20. Lavender syrup.
21. Spicy tequila.
22. Griffin's playlists, right now especially "A History Of." It's gotten me out of quite a few slumps.
23. Getting to take trips to all the places I need to run. This summer I crossed Wisconsin and Ohio off my list, this fall I ran in Minnesota and North Dakota, and next summer I plan to run New England. I take for granted that I get to travel so much, but I know there are a lot of people who can't.
24. Writing a poem last week for the first time in probably over a year.
25. My propensity to be vulnerable. A lot of people see vulnerability as a weakness, but I wouldn't want to be any other way. I let people know when I love them or when I care and exactly how I feel. Do I get hurt a lot? I absolutely do. Would I rather get hurt than miss an opportunity or not tell someone something important before it's too late? I absolutely would.
26. Social media. It's annoying sometimes and can be a terrible waste of time, but it's actually helped me reconnect with and make a lot of good friends.
27. Laughter.
28. Kissing.
29. Sex.
30. La Dispute Guy. He's been on my mind every second of this list, but I purposely saved him for last. Yes, he kind of dumped me last night, and yes, he's made me horrifically, want-to-never-get-out-of-bed-or-do-anything-ever-again sad, but over the past four months, he's made me really happy, too. He also taught me a lot. He taught me that I'm capable of loving unconditionally with no expectation of getting anything in return and that I truly can put another person's happiness before mine. He also taught me that despite thinking I know what I'm looking for and what's important to me--in short, having a list--people are so much more than lists and none of that stuff counts. He made me realize I've been shallow my entire life and thought things were important that weren't and that when you love somebody, everything about him or her is beautiful even if before you were in love those things weren't. Because of La Dispute Guy, I realize I could love a person I never thought I could love.
And that is that.
The first thing I have to tell you is this list took about three hours, and that's three continuous hours, three continuous hours of not moving from this table, staring into space, looking around the room, struggling to find good things in my life, to write. Second, I have to tell you that every word of it is true. Even if they were hard to come up with, I really am thankful for all of these things. The third and final thing I have to say is that writing this list actually put me in a better mood. Yes, things are looking pretty bleak right now, but buried in that bleakness--way down far in that deep, dark bleak reality that is my life--there's actually good. And with that acknowledgment, I'll leave you to your Thanksgiving, and for I don't know how many years in a row, I'll wish you the same thing I wish for me, and that's a life of love and peace.
(And then for my next trick, watch as I get blood from a stone)
Things That I'm Thankful For, 2018
1. Friends. I have some really shitty friends, but I have some amazing ones, too. Between my friend Mike driving down from Lake Worth to look at cars with me for Griffin, Brian offering his blacksmith and welding services to make me a new gate, Danielle flying in from Oregon to take care of me when I had surgery, Curt calling to check up on me all the time, and Katie (who's technically my cousin, but I have a lot of cousins I'd never call friends) hearing about my relationship with La Dispute Guy so much, she's practically in it with us--or was--this has to be number one.
2. My hair. It was super short for so long--since 2008!--and then so unhealthy from being repeatedly bleached, I forgot what my natural grown out hair looks like, and I have to say, it's fucking amazing.
It's this silky, shiny, super soft mass of wild, untamed big loopy curls and perfect banana curls, and I really have to say, I kind of feel like nobody has hair prettier than mine. I totally lucked out when the hair gene was encoded in my DNA.
3. Kelen Capener, @kelenkeller38, bassist for The Story So Far, who I've fallen in love with on Twitter. There's little better than a boy who's cute, funny, and smart, but a boy who's cute, funny, and smart and happens to be in one of the best pop punk bands of all time and plays my favorite instrument, too? How does he even exist?
4. Finally having the nerve to go through with getting a tummy tuck. I swelled horribly both times I was pregnant, the first time gaining almost 80 pounds in 35 weeks--thank God Griffin was premature--and 70 the second time around; as a result, my stomach, while not fat, had loose skin and was a mushy mess. I wanted a tummy tuck for so long and last year finally had the nerve to get it, and I have to say, despite the pain of recovery and immense amount of money I spent, I have zero regrets.
5. Eggs, oatmeal, and avocados, which make up for about 75% of what I eat which now that I think about it brings me to
6. Chocolate Covered Katie, the vegan blogger who turned me onto oatmeal (and vegan pancakes, of course) at some point in the last five or six years and also brings me to
7. Sriracha which has to be in a category all its own. Jesus Christ, I love Sriracha so fucking much.
8. All the sunscreen I've worn since I was seventeen along with my almost total avoidance of the sun. As I get older and older, I'm really starting to see the reward.
9. Being able to poop and pee. Okay, this one's tmi and maybe kind of gross, but after my surgery, I, um, couldn't go. Constipation is a side effect of general anesthesia plus I got a numbing shot directly in my stomach that lasts for three days plus I have some stupid disease called Gilbert's syndrome that makes side effects affect me more than they affect most people, and, well, I ended up in the hospital last Christmas and then the next day had one of the worst, most miserable days of my entire life during which I lay on my bathroom floor having to pee into a stockpot (just--don't ask), and I will never again take for granted the ability to be able to poop and pee for my entire life.
10. Finally having restraint. Okay, so I used to periodically check my ex-husband's Twitter, not because I cared at all about his life because believe me, I didn't and don't, but because despite our being divorced for years, it was almost completely about me, and I'd want to see what he'd write. A few months ago--two or three? Four or Five? Honestly, I have no concept of time, so I have no idea--he wrote something that bothered me so much, I took a screenshot and sent it to all my friends and we all sat and marveled about how he could be so depraved and such a horrible human being although it was really no surprise to any of us, and one person's response about his being a narcissist desperate for attention made me think, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I falling prey to his sick, twisted attempts to make me feel bad, and since that day, I never looked at his Twitter again, and I'm much happier for it. Whoever said what other people think about me is none of my business was not remotely wrong.
11. Netflix. I've needed distraction lately, and watching TV shows is a really good means of distraction. Years ago I used LOST to get over the worst pain of the end of one of my go rounds with C; last night I had a Friends Thanksgiving episode marathon to keep my mind off of LDG.
12. Spotify. Maybe I've talked about this before, but I have to say: Music is so instrumental to my happiness--or not happiness as it so happens--that the music I need when I need it is something I'll forever appreciate.
13. Finally taking the initiative to fix the back room in my house (there are a lot of finally's on this list. I'm sensing a theme). I have this back room in my house that has been falling apart. It's needed a new door, spackling, paint for so long, and I've done nothing but complain. Well, one day I was like, this room is a fucking mess, so I got a new door, I spackled the walls, I painted it, and I lamented starting the project and kveteched every step of the way, but I now have a super cute room that I love to be in, so yay for finally getting things done.
14. Alcohol. I don't want to sound like a lush, but sometimes getting drunk is great.
15. This one comes as a shock even--maybe especially--to me, but I'm thankful for my mom. I'm always going on and on about how Griffin gets his natural writing ability from me, and I recently realized that my ability didn't just spring from nothing. While my mom isn't a writer by any means, she is a storyteller, and I'd be remiss if I didn't realize I owe her for my voice.
16. Being cute.
17. PL. He designs and does almost all of my tattoos and has made my legs works of art.
18. The I in INFP changing to E. Okay, so I know personality tests aren't the most valid thing in life, but I've taken the Myers Briggs test multiple times and always got the same result: INFP. A few days ago I retook it, and the I, which stands for introvert, became an E, which stands for extrovert, and I'm not at all surprised. I don't know what's happened, but over the last couple years, I could feel the change. I've gone from being super shy to the point of shaking over certain things to being able to do a ton of formerly uncharacteristic stuff.
19. Magic. Even though it doesn't feel like it right now, I have to admit, it's everywhere I look.
20. Lavender syrup.
21. Spicy tequila.
22. Griffin's playlists, right now especially "A History Of." It's gotten me out of quite a few slumps.
23. Getting to take trips to all the places I need to run. This summer I crossed Wisconsin and Ohio off my list, this fall I ran in Minnesota and North Dakota, and next summer I plan to run New England. I take for granted that I get to travel so much, but I know there are a lot of people who can't.
24. Writing a poem last week for the first time in probably over a year.
25. My propensity to be vulnerable. A lot of people see vulnerability as a weakness, but I wouldn't want to be any other way. I let people know when I love them or when I care and exactly how I feel. Do I get hurt a lot? I absolutely do. Would I rather get hurt than miss an opportunity or not tell someone something important before it's too late? I absolutely would.
26. Social media. It's annoying sometimes and can be a terrible waste of time, but it's actually helped me reconnect with and make a lot of good friends.
27. Laughter.
28. Kissing.
29. Sex.
30. La Dispute Guy. He's been on my mind every second of this list, but I purposely saved him for last. Yes, he kind of dumped me last night, and yes, he's made me horrifically, want-to-never-get-out-of-bed-or-do-anything-ever-again sad, but over the past four months, he's made me really happy, too. He also taught me a lot. He taught me that I'm capable of loving unconditionally with no expectation of getting anything in return and that I truly can put another person's happiness before mine. He also taught me that despite thinking I know what I'm looking for and what's important to me--in short, having a list--people are so much more than lists and none of that stuff counts. He made me realize I've been shallow my entire life and thought things were important that weren't and that when you love somebody, everything about him or her is beautiful even if before you were in love those things weren't. Because of La Dispute Guy, I realize I could love a person I never thought I could love.
And that is that.
The first thing I have to tell you is this list took about three hours, and that's three continuous hours, three continuous hours of not moving from this table, staring into space, looking around the room, struggling to find good things in my life, to write. Second, I have to tell you that every word of it is true. Even if they were hard to come up with, I really am thankful for all of these things. The third and final thing I have to say is that writing this list actually put me in a better mood. Yes, things are looking pretty bleak right now, but buried in that bleakness--way down far in that deep, dark bleak reality that is my life--there's actually good. And with that acknowledgment, I'll leave you to your Thanksgiving, and for I don't know how many years in a row, I'll wish you the same thing I wish for me, and that's a life of love and peace.
