2024, where have you gone? It's not quite the end of the year yet, but blink and it will be, and how? How is it the end of November? How is it time for the writing of this somewhat-problematic post, the one I have to dig deep to write, so deep I might as well call it an excavation because that's really what it is, the attempted unearthing of my former self or at least what's left of her (and I have to be honest with you, it's not very much. A bone here, a tooth there, a faint desire to maybe possibly get close to another human being again at some point before I die)? How did this year pass me by? Like always when time is involved, I just don't understand, but understand or not, here we are, Thanksgiving 2024, and before this post goes completely awry while I discuss time - and in effect, life - passing, let me get to what I came here for, which as you know is
Things That I'm Thankful For, 2024
1. It doesn't really feel like something to be thankful for since I'm still so not in a good place, but I don't cry every day anymore, so I suppose I'm thankful for that. I mentioned in one of my last posts, maybe even my actual last, that I pulled up my big girl pants, and I'm happy to report that I haven't taken them off. I cry sometimes, sure (and just to be clear, we're talking about Jonathan-related crying. I cry all the time about everything else), but the tears come much farther between and are far fewer when they do.
2. To add to that, I guess what I'll say is despite how far I still have to go, over the last year, I've come a long, long way. I don't want this to turn into a Jonathan blog, so number two is the last I'll mention in regard to him, but after my birthday debacle when he came here, got into bed with me "to cuddle" for the second time in a few weeks, told me to do whatever I wanted to him, stuck his face between my legs, and burst out crying about a minute in because, and with changes for fluency, I quote, he never did this to me when we were together (although I would argue that what he did to me was much worse than what he did to a "girlfriend" he hadn't even yet French kissed after having been her "boyfriend" for six months), things started to shift, and while I can't say they've completely shifted to where they should be (whatever that means) and have to admit they might not ever, they've admittedly shifted to a much better place.
3. Okay, so I know I said this last year, but I'd be remiss to not mention being thankful for the results of all the hard work I put into my physical self. I cannot express how thankful I am to look like this
instead of like this
and before anyone gets up in arms about how I'm not nice or says it's what's on the inside that counts, I'd like to point out that setting your sights on the life partner of someone else is as douchy and cunty as it gets, and therefore, this (albeit possibly formerly) frigid bitch is getting nothing less than she deserves. Also, the idea that people are supposed to be nice is really nothing more than a way to keep people in line, particularly women, so fuck that noise up its misogynistic ass.
4. We're going backward a little, back up to number three where I mentioned the hard work I've put into my physical self, but that's because I have to express gratitude for what it does for not just the way I look but also for my actual physical health. My father's death could easily have been avoided if he'd eaten better and been more physically active, and my mother is, without exaggeration, probably in the worst physical and mental shape out of anybody I've ever met, and her deterioration - if you could call it that since she's never, ever been in good shape - is self-inflicted, one-hundred percent. I look at my parents and the price of neglecting health, and I'm thankful that I have the drive and determination to be as healthy as I possibly can, and well, not to milk this workout thing, but that brings me to number
5. because not only does my hard work equal looking good and feeling good physically, I couldn't possibly overstate how much it helps my mental health, something for which I'm thankful for all the time.
6. My 28:04 5k PR and along with that
7. the realization that my limitations are my limitations only because I believe them to be so. I am capable of so much more than I've realized.
8. Crystal. As you may know from a recent post, this summer I went to eight states to run. I almost didn't, though, because I didn't want to go by myself hence why I'm thankful for Crystal. Crystal is a former student, a formerly extremely good friend, someone I've probably written about in the past, and although we rarely talk anymore for no reason other than life, I follow her Instagram. At some point this year, she posted a story about how she flew to London by herself to go see Adele, and she posted highlights of all the things she did by herself on her trip. Now, I'm no stranger to doing things alone, but traveling alone is something I hadn't really done. After seeing Crystal's post, though, I decided I wasn't going to let being by myself stop me from going places I wanted to go. If Crystal could go to England alone, I told myself, I could go to New England and the Midwest, and, with that in mind, I bought plane tickets, rented cars, booked hotels, and did a whole lot of things I otherwise wouldn't have done.
9. My bathroom. Praise God, hallelujah, I have a whole bathroom in my house! It seems like an odd thing to be thankful for, I know, but this August I started getting my bathroom remodeled, and what was supposed to be a simple remodel became an utter fiasco, taking three months. What that means is from the second week of August until about two weeks ago, I had no shower in my house, and no, I didn't have a bathtub, either. I had a half bath downstairs and nothing more. For almost three months - three months! - I had to wake up every weekday at 5 am to go to the gym to take a shower before work and also, of course, take a shower there on the weekends. There are still some odds and ends that have to be taken care of, but let me tell you something: being able to take a shower in my own house is something I took for granted and never thought I'd be thankful for, but holy shit, I fucking am.
(Also, my bathroom might just be the prettiest bathroom I've ever seen, and after all the stress, depression, and anxiety this bathroom has caused me, I'm extremely thankful for that.)
10. Sour beer that somehow also is sweet
11. and stouts
12. Thinking about it now, I suppose that in light of the whole bathroom thing, I'm also grateful for the gym because what the fuck would I have done if I didn't have that? Where would I have showered for those three months?
13. Curt. For at least a year, this poor man patiently listened to me sob, cry, and whine nonstop, sometimes for hours in one phone call. He never once complained or asked me to stop, something I completely (read: selfishly) took for granted but now realize is rare, even among close friends.
14. Zoom. I have a pretty good friend - my oldest friend - who lives in Oregon, which is pretty much as far away as you could get from me and still be in this country. Thanks to Zoom, which I guess is really sort of thanks to Covid because if it weren't for Covid, Zoom wold barely be a thing, she and I meet virtually every few weeks to hang out and have a drink which has been really nice.
15. Solitude. After I got out of that sort-of relationship I found myself in with that guy this summer, I deleted all my dating apps and stayed completely away from guys, and talk about something doing wonders. I had no business being on those apps when I was still so desperately in love with Jonathan and so emotionally fragile, and deleting them was the best thing I could have done not only for myself but also for any guy who might have come along (like the guy I accidentally found myself seeing).
16. And in a complete contrast to solitude, run club. I know I mentioned run club last year, but when I tell you it's run club for the win, jumping Jesus on a pogo stick is it run club for the win. Between the time of my ex-Glenn and Jonathan, I found that I'd somehow exhausted all of my (local) friends and spent a lot of time being lonely. A lot. While with Jonathan, I had him and pretty much no one else, so when we broke up, I found myself alone. For so long, I wanted to make friends, both before, during, and after Jonathan, but didn't know how. Enter run club. What started out as just weekly runs and an awkward after-run drink has become a place where I've found friends, like actual ones, not just running related, and a place where I feel like I belong. I won't go so far as to say run club saved my life because I'd never kill myself (although I did think seriously about not wanting to be alive this year a lot), but it saved something that really needed to be saved, that's for sure.
And, with that, I think I'll end. Sixteen is more than halfway to my pre-Jonathan list of thirty, after all, and with my recent past, I'm honestly surprised I'm thankful for as many things as I am (although since one of them might be a little mean spirited, maybe not). Before I disappear to make an ungodly amount of food for just Keifer and me, I bid a Happy Thanksgiving to you, people who read my blog, and as always, a day, a year, a life of love and peace.
