Dammit

I went to a baby shower today. Not exactly earth shattering, I know, but definitely more than a little thought provoking.

Here's why:

You know that feeling you get after being hopped up on coffee (or whatever it is you've been hopped up on), once you've come down? Or after going to a concert or some place you really wanted to go, when the thrill has worn off? Well, crazy as it sounds, that's kind of the way I feel now. A little sad, a little depressed, a little let down. 

I realize I'm making it sound like the shower was bad, but that's wrong. The shower was

different.

Here's why:

1. The shower was different because the shower cake depicted a baby's head coming out of a bloody vagina and the mom-to-be wore a t-shirt with baby doll arms protruding from her belly with the words let me out written in faux blood

but

2. That's not the kind of different I'm talking about

actually

3. The kind of different I'm talking about is an atmospheric kind of different

and

4. The kind of different I'm talking about is an overwhelming-presence-of-love kind of different

also

5. The kind of different I'm talking about is a presence-of-light kind of different

Never in my life, that I can recall, have I felt love and light as present as I felt them today.

I know there are people out there who think I'm ridiculous, people who think love and light can't be felt. Those people are wrong. Love and light are both energy, and anybody who wants to argue that energy can't be felt is just dumb. 

I'm not one-hundred percent sure what gave the shower the energy that it possessed, whether it was the people, the guest of honor, or a combination of the two, but if I had to say, I'd say it was the middle one. Renee, she of the bloody baby arms, is kind of amazing. I don't know why, and it's not really something I can explain (in all honesty, I barely even know her); it's just something that I feel.

She is composed, to put it simply, of love and of light.

And she's not the only one.

From my life, I can think of two others. North Star, of course (I know you had to see that one coming), and coincidentally, another woman whom I barely know and whose presence I was in just yesterday. From this other woman, I feel the same feeling I feel when around Renee.

This other woman, too, is composed of love and of light.

And it makes me feel bad.

Here's why:

1. It makes me feel bad for the same reason the shower left me feeling bad

because

2. I want to baskrevelreside in the love and the light

but

3. I'm so rarely immersed in the love and the light

and

4. I firmly believe that the love and the light
  
   cannot be taught
   cannot be copied
   cannot be faked

rather

5. People composed of love and of light just

Are 

and

6. I am

Not