I'm Not Just a Girl

It was just about a year ago that I wrote a blog freaking out about going to Chicago with Griffin and Keifer alone, and by alone I mean in the absence of what I thought of as an actual adult instead of someone masquerading as one, and by someone masquerading as one, I of course mean me. It's funny what a difference not even a year makes because just a few days ago, I finalized plans for a road trip with the kids to Boston with stops in Charleston, Washington DC, and Philadelphia along the way, places that, unlike Chicago where I grew up and have visited umpteen times in the time since I moved, I've never gone.

And I'm not even scared.

Holy shit.

I don't think I've ever uttered those words in my life. Let me do it again:

I'm not
even
scared.

Wait. Let me think this through.

I'm driving over two thousand miles, visiting a bunch of places I know nothing about, and I'm not afraid, yet when I flew to Chicago, a place I know pretty damn well, I was terrified. I felt like an incapable kid being thrust into the real world with no guidance and direction, and I was sure the trip would be a disaster. Now, however, despite the state of know nothing I'm going to be in, I feel sure everything is going to be fine.

I'd force you to come along on an exploration of what's different this time around, but I already know. This time, the difference is me.

This time, the difference is that I'm no longer a person who lived in her parents' house until, at 23, she moved into an apartment with her husband and then pretty much followed his sovereign law for the rest of her time alive. This time, I'm a person who lived in her parents' house until, at 23, she moved into an apartment with her husband, pretty much followed his sovereign law until she was 39, and then went on to live the most recent year of her life on her own, making her own decisions, taking almost sole care of her children, paying her own bills (although, as you all probably know, the money stuff has been mine for a lot longer than the freedom has), and with the exception of having to live in a house with someone who absolutely refuses to leave, living her life the way she wants to live it. This time around, I'm used to making my own decisions, solving my own problems, and being absolutely free to be absolutely me.

This time around, I don't need no stinkin' grownup
because this time around, the grownup is me!