This is a really, really hard post for me to write. If you know me in person or if you've read my blogs in the past, you'll know why as soon as I say what I'm about to say, but despite how I've tried to not write it, no matter how hard I've tried to not say it, I just no longer have a choice because god motherfucking dammit, this thing is inside of me and it won't leave me alone until it comes out:
I'm happy.
Like, happy happy. Like, dance-around-the-house, dance-on-my-butt-in-the-car, dance-on-the-elliptical, can't-stop-smiling-like-a-weirdo-no-matter-where-I-am-or-what-I'm-doing happy. In fact, I'm so the poster girl for happy right now that if you were to look up happy right this very second, this is most likely what you'd find
Now is that the face of feliz or what?
Okay, I know. I can't tell you I'm ridiculously happy without telling you why, so let me give you a little bit of the sitch. No, not all the details, you salivating pack of yentas, but some.
First and foremost, I'm going to shatter every notion of me you have because I know you think I'm happy because of a boy, and I'm here to tell you that I'm not although, fine, in my full disclosure way, I suppose I do have to tell you that maybe it's possible that some boys are a part of this new and improved happy version of me but they're really a byproduct of my happiness more than a cause. Okay, maybe that's not entirely true. Maybe they're a tiny bit of the cause, like an itty bitty little part, but that's not exactly true. If anything, the boys/happiness thing is sort of--I don't know if symbiotic is the right word but it feels right--no, wait, the word that keeps coming to mind is cyclical and that probably doesn't make sense to you so let me explain in, of course, a roundabout way because we all know I can never just get to the point
which, of course, is that I'm happy, and, well, I'm happy because I am. Since it's summer and I have time, I've been going to the gym a lot, running a lot more than I do during the school year and ellipting on my running days off, doing intervals and really pushing myself, and happy always comes as a result of that, not just because of the endorphins that are released when I work hard or the exercise-inducing growth of nerve cells in the brain that relieves depression but because of the sense of accomplishment and fulfillment I get every time I meet a workout goal or think to myself that my resting heart rate is 58 or I weigh 136 or I imagine the minutes on the treadmill being like little Pac-Man pellets that give me energy and strength only instead of giving me the energy and strength to chase ghosts, they give me the energy and strength to do, um, other things
and while we're on this subject, fulfillment, another reason I'm happy is that I've been taking time out of my life to be mindful and appreciate the good that I have. I've been thanking the Earth and the Moon and the goddesses and the gods for the peace and the gifts they've bestowed upon me and acknowledging and understanding that the entire universe works as one. What I'm about to tell you is absolutely insane, so insane that it's weird for me to even type, but I was on a date last week and the guy and I were talking about organized religion and beliefs and things of that sort, and he said he could tell that I'm a spiritual person. At first I was all like, wait, what? (even if only in my head) because never in my life have I thought of myself as a spiritual person--and I thought right--but now? Well, that would no longer be right. At some point I've undergone a paradigm shift, and it's sort of changed my life
and speaking of change, can we take a minute to talk about how I've been setting crystals with intentions to help me accept it and to break out of old patterns as well and how it's been working and how that's a huge component of the happy girl that I am? Not only am I happy because of the specific changes, but I'm also happy because I'm allowing them to happen at all. I'm happy because I've always been terrified of new and for the first time in my life, I'm not
and not that I've ever been remotely terrified of talking about sex but I do hate for everything to go back to it; regardless, I have to mention that sex, like exercise, makes happier people. It lowers cortisol, which is obviously a muy malo thing; increases personal satisfaction; and elevates oxytoin, dopamine, and endorphins. The more sex people have and the more intimacy they share, the happier they feel. We'll leave that one there
and actually go back to the change I've been open to because one of the changes I've been asking for is the ability to be less anxious and to just let life unfold because let's face it: it's going to, like it or not. I've been working on having no expectation and being Miss Go With The Flow, and let me tell you, that's another thing that's changed my fucking life. Being happy with what I have and not wanting more? Finding the beauty in that which I possess and not obsessing about what something will become? Fucking life changing
which, look at that, brings me back to boys (like everything else in my life) and the possibly symbiotic/probably cyclical nature of them and my happiness as of late. I think it's no secret that while boys have had the ability to make me ecstatic, they more often have made me morose; as a result of my happiness, though, my relationships with boys have been better which in turn has produced more happiness which in turn has produced more of the better which in turn has produced more of the happier which in turn which in turn which in turn, and I think you understand
and I think you also may be wondering why I'm telling you any of this at all when I've professed to you before that I hate acknowledging good things because it always makes them disappear, why I decided to write this post. Well, for one, I already told you it was forcing it's way out, but for another, two days ago on my way home from the gym, I had a realization in the car
which came right after I had a particularly happy, dancy session on the elliptical during which I sang and I laughed and I smiled like an absolute nut. In the car, I was listening to I don't remember what, but I was singing and dancing on my butt maybe even with a little shoulders and waist movement thrown in, throwing around my hair because now that I'm like Rapunzel I can do that, absolutely giddy, thinking that I can't believe how much I just absolutely love everything when I had a thought: I could never live like this my entire life. Happiness on the level I've been feeling it lately, I realized, isn't sustainable, and I concluded, surprisingly, that that's all right. That that's not real life. I mean, it's my real life right now, and it's the life of many other people, I'm sure, but it's just too much. Not only do I think if I felt the kind of euphoria I've been feeling lately all the time I would surely die, but I also think I would grow to expect it more, and appreciate it less. I think I'd lose the sense of wonder I somehow managed to not yet have lost, and that's something I never ever want to do
and so, readers whom I love so much, now you know. I'm happy because everything is magic, and because everything is magic, there's isn't anything that I don't love
which means before I go to bed I have just one last thing to say:
I'm happy.
Like, happy happy. Like, dance-around-the-house, dance-on-my-butt-in-the-car, dance-on-the-elliptical, can't-stop-smiling-like-a-weirdo-no-matter-where-I-am-or-what-I'm-doing happy. In fact, I'm so the poster girl for happy right now that if you were to look up happy right this very second, this is most likely what you'd find
Now is that the face of feliz or what?
Okay, I know. I can't tell you I'm ridiculously happy without telling you why, so let me give you a little bit of the sitch. No, not all the details, you salivating pack of yentas, but some.
First and foremost, I'm going to shatter every notion of me you have because I know you think I'm happy because of a boy, and I'm here to tell you that I'm not although, fine, in my full disclosure way, I suppose I do have to tell you that maybe it's possible that some boys are a part of this new and improved happy version of me but they're really a byproduct of my happiness more than a cause. Okay, maybe that's not entirely true. Maybe they're a tiny bit of the cause, like an itty bitty little part, but that's not exactly true. If anything, the boys/happiness thing is sort of--I don't know if symbiotic is the right word but it feels right--no, wait, the word that keeps coming to mind is cyclical and that probably doesn't make sense to you so let me explain in, of course, a roundabout way because we all know I can never just get to the point
which, of course, is that I'm happy, and, well, I'm happy because I am. Since it's summer and I have time, I've been going to the gym a lot, running a lot more than I do during the school year and ellipting on my running days off, doing intervals and really pushing myself, and happy always comes as a result of that, not just because of the endorphins that are released when I work hard or the exercise-inducing growth of nerve cells in the brain that relieves depression but because of the sense of accomplishment and fulfillment I get every time I meet a workout goal or think to myself that my resting heart rate is 58 or I weigh 136 or I imagine the minutes on the treadmill being like little Pac-Man pellets that give me energy and strength only instead of giving me the energy and strength to chase ghosts, they give me the energy and strength to do, um, other things
and while we're on this subject, fulfillment, another reason I'm happy is that I've been taking time out of my life to be mindful and appreciate the good that I have. I've been thanking the Earth and the Moon and the goddesses and the gods for the peace and the gifts they've bestowed upon me and acknowledging and understanding that the entire universe works as one. What I'm about to tell you is absolutely insane, so insane that it's weird for me to even type, but I was on a date last week and the guy and I were talking about organized religion and beliefs and things of that sort, and he said he could tell that I'm a spiritual person. At first I was all like, wait, what? (even if only in my head) because never in my life have I thought of myself as a spiritual person--and I thought right--but now? Well, that would no longer be right. At some point I've undergone a paradigm shift, and it's sort of changed my life
and speaking of change, can we take a minute to talk about how I've been setting crystals with intentions to help me accept it and to break out of old patterns as well and how it's been working and how that's a huge component of the happy girl that I am? Not only am I happy because of the specific changes, but I'm also happy because I'm allowing them to happen at all. I'm happy because I've always been terrified of new and for the first time in my life, I'm not
and not that I've ever been remotely terrified of talking about sex but I do hate for everything to go back to it; regardless, I have to mention that sex, like exercise, makes happier people. It lowers cortisol, which is obviously a muy malo thing; increases personal satisfaction; and elevates oxytoin, dopamine, and endorphins. The more sex people have and the more intimacy they share, the happier they feel. We'll leave that one there
and actually go back to the change I've been open to because one of the changes I've been asking for is the ability to be less anxious and to just let life unfold because let's face it: it's going to, like it or not. I've been working on having no expectation and being Miss Go With The Flow, and let me tell you, that's another thing that's changed my fucking life. Being happy with what I have and not wanting more? Finding the beauty in that which I possess and not obsessing about what something will become? Fucking life changing
which, look at that, brings me back to boys (like everything else in my life) and the possibly symbiotic/probably cyclical nature of them and my happiness as of late. I think it's no secret that while boys have had the ability to make me ecstatic, they more often have made me morose; as a result of my happiness, though, my relationships with boys have been better which in turn has produced more happiness which in turn has produced more of the better which in turn has produced more of the happier which in turn which in turn which in turn, and I think you understand
and I think you also may be wondering why I'm telling you any of this at all when I've professed to you before that I hate acknowledging good things because it always makes them disappear, why I decided to write this post. Well, for one, I already told you it was forcing it's way out, but for another, two days ago on my way home from the gym, I had a realization in the car
which came right after I had a particularly happy, dancy session on the elliptical during which I sang and I laughed and I smiled like an absolute nut. In the car, I was listening to I don't remember what, but I was singing and dancing on my butt maybe even with a little shoulders and waist movement thrown in, throwing around my hair because now that I'm like Rapunzel I can do that, absolutely giddy, thinking that I can't believe how much I just absolutely love everything when I had a thought: I could never live like this my entire life. Happiness on the level I've been feeling it lately, I realized, isn't sustainable, and I concluded, surprisingly, that that's all right. That that's not real life. I mean, it's my real life right now, and it's the life of many other people, I'm sure, but it's just too much. Not only do I think if I felt the kind of euphoria I've been feeling lately all the time I would surely die, but I also think I would grow to expect it more, and appreciate it less. I think I'd lose the sense of wonder I somehow managed to not yet have lost, and that's something I never ever want to do
and so, readers whom I love so much, now you know. I'm happy because everything is magic, and because everything is magic, there's isn't anything that I don't love
which means before I go to bed I have just one last thing to say:
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