All Alone I Feel So Much

Early this afternoon when I logged onto the newly bastardized version of Twitter, I saw that Paul Reubens had died. Like most people my age, Reubens was a huge part of my childhood, but unlike a lot of people my age, it wasn't because I loved him so much but because my childhood best friend Chris (formerly known as North Star around these parts, from here on out known as Chris) was obsessed with him. You have no idea how many times I heard I know you are, but what am I, I know you are but what am I, I know you are but what am I, infinity, or Shhh, I'm listening to reason, or Tell 'em large Marge sent you! or I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel. I could go on, but I think you get the point. 

Of course the first thing I wanted to do when I saw he'd died was text my Virgo, but I was on the phone with Griffin when I found out, so we talked about it, and since I really only felt a tangential connection to Reubens, I was all right, and that immediate desire I'd felt to text my Virgo subsided. 

About two hours later, Griffin called me again, just for a minute to deliver what I'm sure is going to sound callous (not because I'm different from other people; because I admit these things) but what I found to be far more devastating news, and which he clearly knew would be devastating news thus the reason he called: The Alchemist is closing down. 

What's The Alchemist? you ask. Only one of my favorite places in the entire world, a coffeehouse I've been going to for years, a place that's one of many places, an entire complex overrun with flowers and weeds, broken walls and abandoned art, and most importantly, peace. The Alchemist is a place I've always found peace, one of the few places in South Florida I cherish.

Kei and me the first time we went to The Alchemist

Because I love the Alchemist so much and find it to be such a perfect place, after the first time I went up until I started going with my Virgo, I always posted a photo saying the exact same thing: The site of my future imaginary wedding. I imagined myself there wearing some sort of flowy bohemian wedding dress with wildflowers in my hair, a messy bouquet in my hands, but when I say imagine, I mean imagine all the way around. I didn't say future imaginary wedding because I thought I'd never have the opportunity to get married again, I said future imaginary wedding because I didn't want to. I'd had so many problems not only being married to my ex-Glenn but also getting unmarried from him, I swore that no matter what, I'd never get married again.

And then I met my Virgo. 

I met my Virgo, and I loved him so much, and when we talked about spending forever together and marriage came up, I realized how much I did want to be his wife. We talked about how a piece of paper doesn't really change anything, and then we talked about how it does, and all I know is my future imaginary wedding plan became much less imaginary especially after we talked about how much I wanted to get married there, and so, once my Virgo and I started going to The Alchemist together, the words site of my future imaginary wedding never graced a photo again. 

At The Alchemist complex with my Virgo in what would have been one of many perfect wedding spots

And now The Alchemist is about to be gone. 

My Virgo is gone

the Alchemist is going to be gone

the possibility of my actual wedding is gone

and now even the comfort of my longtime imaginary wedding is gone,

so naturally, The Alchemist being so important to me, my first instinct when I heard the news was to send my Virgo a link to an article I'd immediately looked up, but again, I refrained; after all, what does the closing of a coffeehouse I love have to do with him at this point?

Not two hours later, I opened my phone to look for I don't remember what when I saw that Angus Cloud died. Angus Cloud! I immediately filled with horror when I saw the news, and I have to admit, this being the third really sad thing I saw for the day (not including some Get Up Kids lyrics Griffin sent me that made me want to shoot myself in the head), I sobbed. I also have to admit that I sobbed not because Angus Cloud died although it's so horribly, horribly tragic, but because my Virgo and I had watched Euphoria together and loved it and particularly loved Fezco's character, and for the third time today, I  wanted to share something with him--I so achingly wanted to share something with him--but didn't. 

I sobbed because for three years my Virgo was my best friend, the person I text or called or physically turned to and shared everything with, and now I have a phone full of screenshots of things like the word hurkle-durkle and people talking about sexy boxes in r/metalgearsolid that I'll never send, weeks' worth of places I've gone and things that I've done that I'll never call to share, and an entire world constructed of everything from thoughts about The Originals to the possibility of opening a business in Orlando to news of people dying and coffeehouses closing and dreams of future imaginary weddings being dashed that I'll never roll over in bed and tell him. 

I sobbed because I used to have a person, and now I don't.