Final Fantasy XIV

When I went on the ex-Virgo's laptop on the night of March 24/morning of March 25, I went right to his Twitter DMs, and you know that feeling? That awful, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, that feeling when your heart drops after you've seen something truly wretched, something unimaginably horrifying? Imagine that. If anything excruciatingly painful has ever happened to you, like in an emotional way, if you've ever been traumatized, I want you to recall that now. That's how I felt when the first thing I saw in the ex-Virgo's Twitter DMs was a message to Carla saying his friend gave him an edible and he wanted to know if he should take it the next day at work. 

His friend gave him an edible. 

His friend. 

Not his partner. Not his significant other. Not the person I've been lying to as I've lain next to her for the last almost three years. 

His friend. 

When I saw that message, I was transfixed. I could do nothing but scroll up, scroll up and see what seemed to be hundreds of messages between the liar (huh. Look at that. I guess I was wrong when I said my ex-Virgo would always be my Virgo to me) and her. Now, to be fair, other than the my-friend message and one message he'd sent her in January (on the 19th?) seemingly the second he woke up before he even text me (because you know I immediately checked my texts) telling her how important she was to him and that he hopes he didn't sound stupid but he valued their friendship so much, nothing was "inappropriate," but I think it's safe to say just the existence of the DMs was inappropriate. 

Before I go any further, I will say that I never told the liar he couldn't talk to Carla. I was fully aware that up until the previous week, they sat together at work and often shared lunch; according to him, they were work best friends. They even text each other (although when I asked the liar who he was texting at about two in the morning while he and I were in bed one night and the answer was Carla, I told him middle-of-the-night texts had to stop. No desire to not be that girl would make me begin to be okay with that). I am not a crazy person who gives a flying fuck about opposite-sex friends. What I did care about is the way that they were friends and, if it makes sense, the way that the liar didn't care about my caring about the way that they were friends. 

My issue with the Twitter relationship between the liar and Carla wasn't that they had one, it was how they had one; it was his interacting ad nauseam with her but not at all with me while the world and I bore witness, so having DMs wasn't the problem (if anything, it was considerate! At least that's what I eventually managed to convince myself); it was the extent of the DMS: The liar - who, by this point, didn't interact with me on Twitter at all, be it on my timeline or in my DMs -  and Carla sent each other messages and tweets pretty much around the clock (which, of course, includes the middle of the night despite the liar's insistence in the past that as soon as I asked him to not text Carla in the middle of the night, he stopped).

I think I went back to about December before I went upstairs and woke the liar up. A three-hour argument, which moved from the extra bedroom to our bedroom, ensued during which he told me he wouldn't stop talking to Carla because he just couldn't do that to a friend but assured me he would stop talking to her in a natural way now that they no longer worked together; in fact, he had even told his therapist that and that he was going to be relieved when they stopped. I then told him we were done, but in an attempt not to be rash, I wasn't kicking him out; instead, I'd let him stay and figure out where he was going to live. The two of us dozed a bit, and then at about 7:30, I took my dogs out. When I got back, the liar was gone, and so was his phone. What's a girl like me to do in a situation like that? Go back downstairs and look on his laptop again, of course!

I went downstairs and opened up his laptop. 

I clicked on Twitter. 

I was locked out.

The liar -

-the liar who had nothing to hide, the liar who at first said he had no idea why he had called me his friend, he didn't mean anything by it, and then said that he had done it because I had such a problem with Carla, he never brought me up to her despite the fact that she had no idea that I had a problem with her, and no you didn't read that wrong, but go ahead, read the sentence (a little bit reformatted I guess for clarity although if you're looking for something that makes sense here, you're shit out of luck) again: 

The liar told me that even though Carla had no idea I had a problem with her, he never brought me up to her because I had such a problem with her -

- had changed his password.  

Okay, I thought. No Twitter password? Fine. I'll look somewhere else. 

So I did. I looked and I looked because I knew - I knew - I'd find something, and after however long, there it was: a folder in his Google Mail labeled "Scribe Docs" even though he hadn't been a scribe in almost three years. In that folder, the one that should have been labeled "Carla Docs" or better yet, "I'm a Lying Come Pinga Docs" were some e-mails between the two of them, some photos of her from, I think, times his whole office went out after work but who honestly knows? (surely not I), and these

I'm not sure if you could see it anywhere in the photo, but the one with Patrick? That was sent on Valentine's Day. The photo on the bottom? That's something she drew of the two of them so the liar wouldn't miss her after she left the doctor's office where they both worked. It's them surrounded by all their favorite things (can we just take a moment to acknowledge how absolutely cringe and perverse this is, these drawings being produced by a (then) 23-year-old girl and embraced by a (then) 33-year-old man? He made that weirdo drawing of the two of them his desktop background at work for fuck's sake (although in three years I was never once a lockscreen or background picture on his phone). Can we please collectively gag?).

It was at this point that I went upstairs and threw the liar out . . . and regretted it as the words were coming out of my mouth. Still, regret or no, I let him call his friends, I let them come in three cars, I let them load up their three cars plus his, and I watched him leave my house.

And then I panicked. 

What had I done? I loved my love so much but I lost him. I made my love go, leaving me all alone.

The Aftermath

The ex-Virgo (huh. I put this blog on hold while I went out to dinner with some friends to a place the ex-Virgo and I went a few times which made me a little bit (or, okay, maybe a lot of bits) sad, and out came the ex-Virgo instead of the liar just now. I guess it's easy to infer my minute-to-minute feelings about him depending on what moniker I unthinkingly type out) and we talked sparingly throughout the week and then saw each other the next Friday when he came with me to take the dogs - the new dogs he convinced me to adopt and I was left to care for all by myself - to get groomed. While we sat in the car waiting for them to be done, we talked about a lot of things, but the one I remember most is how I should know him better than to think he'd be having any sort of relationship with Carla because, as I was aware, she was a virgin who had never had a boyfriend, and he wouldn't want her first experience with a man to be like this. I should know him better than to think he would do that. 

We went back to my house, had sex, he went home, and soon after, we decided we'd give couple's counseling a try. Over the next six or seven weeks, I did everything I could to try to compromise, including telling the ex-Virgo that fine, if he really wanted Carla in his life that badly, if it was that important to him, they could stay friends, but I had to be her friend, too. Not like her best friend but meet her at least. We could all go out.

This should have been an easy choice, right? The ex-Virgo gets to keep the girl and the friend. Spoiler alert: that wasn't what he chose. What he chose instead was to not choose for weeks and then announce in counseling we couldn't do that because things would be too weird (despite his previous and then-still-current insistence Carla had no idea of anything that was going on, that had ever gone on), so he was going to stop talking to her. He just needed time to figure out how. 

I wish I could tell you what his plan was, what he finally decided, but I can't. We didn't make it that far.

The night of Friday, June 2, the ex-Virgo's last day at his job of two-and-a-half years (a job I noticed he always said he couldn't stand but didn't leave until Carla did), we had plans to go see a double-feature of Kill Bill. Whenever someone had a last day at his job, everyone went out afterward - he'd been to plenty of last-day affairs without me, in fact - so I thought it was funny they weren't having one for him and asked him about it when he got to my house. He told me almost no one was left, and Robert, the only person who was really his friend, had other plans. I can't say I believed him, but I left it at that. 

Not too long into the second Kill Bill, the ex-Virgo's phone started going off. He told me it was his frenemy Juanky from work. He was with Sophie, he told me, and then he turned his phone off. 

On the way to the car, I asked about the call again. What exactly did Juanky want? The ex-Virgo reiterated. And he was just with Sophie? I asked. He was just with Sophie, the ex-Virgo said. Does Carla know today was your last day of work? He told me that she did. He talked to her about it earlier that day while he was driving home.

The ex-Virgo went to the bathroom as soon as we got back to my house, and I went upstairs. I wanted to believe him. I really did. God, did I want to believe he was telling the truth. In counseling earlier that week, I told our couple's therapist I was to the point where if he got me a coffee and accidentally called it the wrong thing, I'd be done, and because I unwaveringly did not want to be done, I did not want him to be lying. I tried to let it go. I loved my love so much and I didn't want to lose him, I didn't want my love to go, leaving me all alone, so I tried to ignore it. But I couldn't. I went on Carla's Instagram, and this is what I found.

The guy in the middle? That's Juanky. The guy on the right? Robert. The one who couldn't go out with the ex-Virgo because he had plans. The girl on the left? Not Sophie (is it just me, or does Carla have a wonky eye?). 

Calmly, I walked downstairs to the bathroom where the ex-Virgo was still on the toilet. Juanky was just with Sophie tonight? I asked. He said yes again. Are you sure? I asked. Emphatically, he said he was. He wasn't with Carla? I asked. He wasn't with Carla! the ex-Virgo said. Standing at the bathroom door, I raised my voice. He wasn't? Are you sure? The ex-Virgo looked defeated. Fine, he was with Carla.

Calmly, oh so calmly, anyone who knows me and my temper would have been so proud, I told the ex-Virgo to go home. To call me when he was finally done talking to Carla. 

Are you serious? he asked. 

If I don't listen to my own boundaries, how can I expect anyone else to? I asked in answer. 

Well, he didn't go home. He refused to leave. He stayed in my bed, and we argued all night while he begged and he pleaded and he begged some more, and by the time the morning rolled around, he was sick and nauseous and wanted to go home to sleep and think, and because I've written about this before, this part you know: Two nights later, he text me (nearly incoherent, drugged up on Benadryl) and broke up with me through our cell phones. In print, not even with his vocal cords. He also told me that he'd called Carla and told her everything because he "didn't deserve a friend," yet somehow, as I found out this past Monday night, she's now his girlfriend. 

Well, I say somehow, but if I'm to believe the liar - and we all know I can't - I know how because right after I asked him about it, he called me and we talked for nearly three hours until almost 2 a.m. when we got off of FaceTime, both of us sobbing, saying our final goodbyes. 

It's getting late now, though, and I've got a bed to get ready for, so that story, people who read my blog, is not a story for now. 

Final Fantasy VIII

Here's the thing. You're with someone for a long time, and you love them more than you've ever loved anyone, so you overlook things logic tells you you shouldn't overlook. And you get used to things. You get used to things, and you rationalize them, and you tell yourself that maybe you're crazy, maybe you're irrational, maybe you're overreacting, maybe you're imagining, and you don't want to be rash. You tell yourself these things because you're so in love, and the alternative to all of the above is that the love - your love - leaves. Your love takes the deep, dark, slightly downturned eyes that you can't break contact with while he's beneath you and the familiar fingers your fingers intertwine with while you're holding him down and the cafe-con-leche-colored shoulders that you're wont to grasp when he's above you and the itty bitty butt that's so itty bitty it fits perfectly in your hands and the part you love of his most - your favoritest part of all, the part he's always said he thinks you'd be having a very happy relationship with if it just weren't for him - and he goes, leaving you all alone. 

And you don't want that. You don't want that because your love came into your life at a time you needed him horribly, and he paid attention to you in a way that nobody else had, and he spent time with you in a way that made you feel special, and he loved you in a way you had desperately been wanting, and he gave you these butterflies - oh my God, the butterflies you felt - even years into your relationship, you loved your love so much, you got so excited about your love coming home, that your stomach was aflutter when you knew he was on his way. He gave you these butterflies, and he sat on the loveseat with you and held your feet, and he slept next to you in bed while holding your hand, and he took turns being the little spoon, and he washed your back when you took a shower together, and he said he'd be with you for the rest of your life.  

And so, because of all these things, you ignore or maybe if you don't exactly ignore, you try to live with, try to move past. When your love who's been your love for almost two years starts liking almost every single thing on Twitter that the girl who he works with tweets, the one who on the day she got hired he told you was pretty but a little fat and then a year later told you he'd make an exception to his fat rule for, you try to ignore it at first. You try to ignore it even though you've already had problems because of Twitter and even though while he interacts with this girl on Twitter, the one who on the day she got hired he told you was pretty but a little fat and then a year later told you he'd make an exception to his fat rule for, he almost never interacts with you. You ignore it because you don't want to be one of those girls, jealous and insecure, but one day you just can't ignore it anymore.

So you start saying things. You say something and you say something and you say something more. You say it passive aggressively and you say it earnestly and you say it angrily and you say it pleadingly. And you cry. You cry to him while you're going to sleep at night, the two of you side-by-side but not holding hands, and you tell him how worthless it makes you feel, how left out. How embarrassed. And when one day you wake up in the morning and go to work and way past the time that your love normally texts you, he hasn't text you yet, you decide to check his Twitter, and you see that despite not having sent his routine Morning baby I love you text, he's liked a tweet of this girl's, the one who on the day she got hired he told you was pretty but a little fat and then a year later told you he'd make an exception to his fat rule for. And you text him about it, and he texts you back, and on September 2, 2022, at 11:01 a.m, he texts, And so you have an issue with my likes for Carla then I'll stop that too. I'm sorry. But this isn't like the crap with twitter in the past. This isn't like any of that. Carla and I are platonic.

But he doesn't stop. He says he will, and it seems like he did, but he doesn't. You're even driving in the car a few weeks later, and he mentions that he stopped, and you say, Yeah, kicking and screaming. Look at what it took, and he says but yes, he did it, and then a few days later, you're looking on Twitter, and you see after all the fights, all the tears, all the discussion, all the times you told him how bad this made you feel, he liked one of her tweets. And you try to stay rational, you try not to lose your mind, you try not to be rash. You try for all these things because you love your love so much and you don't want to lose him, you don't want your love to go, leaving you all alone, so when he comes home, at first you don't say anything but then he asks you what's wrong, and of course it doesn't take long for him to guess. But you try to stay rational still. You try not to be rash. 

And then he tells you he did it for your relationship. 

He tells you he did it for your relationship, and when you ask him to clarify, he says that his therapist said there was nothing wrong with his liking this girl's tweets, the one who on the day she got hired he told you was pretty but a little fat and then a year later told you he'd make an exception to his fat rule for. He tells you that he had to be a better person for both of you and not liking her tweet because of your relationship, because you didn't want him to wouldn't make him a better person, and that's why he did it. 

And then you are rash. 

You break up with him. You tell him he needs to move out of your house. You tell him the two of you are done. But he breaks down and he cries and he even stays home from work the next day because your breaking up with him made him so miserable, he was sick, and you love your love so much, and you don't want to lose him, you don't want your love to go, leaving you all alone, so you tell him you two can try to work things out. And you do. 

You work things out, and he never likes that girl's tweets again, the one who on the day she got hired he told you was pretty but a little fat and then a year later told you he'd make an exception to his fat rule for, but then you notice while you're driving in the car one day that he's listening to the band Citizen, and you ask him about it because this is your kind of music, the music he can't stand, and he tells you the girl from his work recommended them, the girl who on the day she got hired he told you was pretty but a little fat and then a year later told you he'd make an exception to his fat rule for, the one who he couldn't stop interacting with on Twitter despite the boundary you'd drawn, and you feel sick. You feel sick but you don't want to push, and not only do you not want to push, you want to show you're not one of those girls, jealous and insecure, so when you two go out of town for Christmas, you help him find a Christmas present for her, for this girl who on the day she got hired he told you was pretty but a little fat and then a year later told you he'd make an exception to his fat rule for, the one he couldn't stop interacting with on Twitter despite the boundary you'd drawn, the one who he started listening to Citizen for. You also let him put the whale shark she gave him for Christmas on the nightstand next to your bed just to make sure he understands how not that girl you are. You let him put it right underneath the embroidered Goku hanging on your bedroom wall, the one that she embroidered for him for Christmas the year before. After all, they're only friends; he's assured you. They're platonic. Nothing more.

Even though in two years' time you've never met her, even though your love never once invited you to go out with the people from work when he went out, you know nothing is going on. Your love wouldn't do that. He's assured you. They're platonic. Nothing more. 

And you love your love so much, and you don't want to lose him, you don't want him to leave, so when he tells you he's going to her going-away party because she's leaving their mutual job, even though it's St. Patrick's Day and you wanted to go out, you say it's fine. Not only do you say it's fine, but you actually understand - after all, you're not one of those girls, jealous and insecure - and you tell everyone who will listen that yes, this girl has been a source of problems for a long time, this girl who on the day she got hired he told you was pretty but a little fat and then a year later told you he'd make an exception to his fat rule for, the one he couldn't stop interacting with on Twitter despite the boundary you'd drawn, the one who he started listening to Citizen for, and how could you not let him go to her going away thing? Plus, he told you that once she stopped working with him, he'd stop talking to her, that he'd let their friendship peter out.  

So your love goes to the going-away thing and then when he comes home after uncharacteristically not having text you all night, he mentions he's disheveled from playing at the park where the going-away party was, and he tells you he's taking a shower, and you know. You know and you say something, and he gets angry, and he reminds you that this girl, this girl who on the day she got hired he told you was pretty but a little fat and then a year later told you he'd make an exception to his fat rule for, the one he couldn't stop interacting with on Twitter despite the boundary you'd drawn, the one who he started listening to Citizen for, is a virgin who's never even had a boyfriend, and was he really going to have sex with her in a car or at the park? And as he goes up to take a shower, you're thinking you never said sex, you just thought kiss, and then you realize you were being dumb, you were being one of those girls, jealous and insecure. 

But that whole week, things just don't feel right. You feel a disconnect between you and your love, you know something is wrong, and you tell yourself so many times that you're being stupid, that you shouldn't be angry, that you shouldn't start a fight because you love your love so much, and you don't want to lose him, you don't want him to go, leaving you all alone, but finally you can't take it anymore because you're irrational, because you overreact, because you're rash. You start a fight with your love, and while he's sleeping that night, you look through his computer because you know. 

And that night you find out. 

You find out, and all those thoughts you've had in the past about not being irrational, about not overreacting, about not being rash have fled. You march right up to the extra bedroom where your love is asleep, you wake him, and you start a fight.

But alas, it's 9:41, and I have to get ready for work tomorrow, so that, people who read my blog, is a story for another night. 

Final Fantasy X

One day I guess about a year ago, the ex-Virgo was supposed to bring home milk. Now, this happened a long time ago, so I don't remember the details perfectly (like where he was coming from on a weekend morning, not that that's relevant to the story, although now that I think about it, it was probably the dentist), but I'll tell you what I do remember. I remember that the ex-Virgo was supposed to bring home milk. When he came home, he had no milk. I asked the ex-Virgo where the milk was. The ex-Virgo told me Walgreens didn't have non-dairy milk. I told the ex-Virgo he must not have looked in the right place because I couldn't believe Walgreens didn't carry non-dairy milk. The ex-Virgo told me they definitely didn't. He even asked somebody when he couldn't find it - and this is the part I don't remember perfectly - and either was told they don't carry it, or the employee went to look with him, and there was no non-dairy milk to be found. I, knowing the ex-Virgo as well as I do and being the me that I am, told the ex-Virgo to get in the car. We we were going to Walgreens. The ex-Virgo complied. The ex-Virgo and I drove the .74 miles to Walgreens, where I got out of the car, walked directly to the refrigerator section, spotted the milk area, opened the door, and lo and behold: non-dairy milk. Lots of it. Not, like, one carton of non-dairy milk hidden in the back that may have been overlooked. 

The ex-Virgo? He's a liar. 

Remember what I said about being rash? When the Milk Incident of '22 occurred, I broke up with the ex-Virgo on the spot. Before we even got to the car, I told him I was done, that I couldn't do this anymore, "this" being our relationship, "this" being subjected to pointless lies. It may not seem like a big deal to you, a lie about something as insignificant as a store having milk, but it's precisely because it was so insignificant that it was such a big deal to me. Honesty is so important to me - I don't lie to anybody, to my own detriment at times - and if he could lie to me about something as dumb as a store having milk, what else could he lie to me about? And forget the hypothetical because if that had been the first time a lie had come out of the ex-Virgo's mouth, well, to be honest, I wouldn't have known because I would have believed him when he'd said the store didn't carry non-dairy milk and wouldn't have gotten into the car, driven there, and checked because who the fuck lies about a store not carrying milk? By the time the Milk Incident of '22 went down, the ex-Virgo had told me enough lies that I did get in the car, drive to Walgreens, and check, and that says a lot. 

Also what says a lot to me now that I'm relaying this story and, thus, thinking about events - oh so many events - that unfolded and things - oh so many things - the ex-Virgo has said over the last three years? The fact that he knew - he knew! - that he was going to get caught. He knew he was going to get caught, but he carried out his charade regardless. Rather than admit that he lied, he got in the car with me and drove to Walgreens, all the time knowing what I was going to find (or, thinking about it now, maybe he didn't. Maybe he was hoping, as he was undoubtedly shitting his pants along the way, that Walgreens actually didn't carry non-dairy milk). When I came here to write today, it wasn't my intention to share what's about to come next, but relaying this incident reminded me of two other specific times the ex-Virgo lied and doubled down, one that I was a part of and one that I wasn't. 

I'll start with the one I wasn't a part of since the one that I was a part of is so, so long, and I'd hate for you to be so burned out on reading that by the time you get to it, I'll have lost your attention.

Not too long before we broke up when we were looking for a hotel on a trip over Christmas break, the ex-Virgo told me about a specific way he fucked up once, a mistake he made. It happened in front of all his friends and I'm pretty sure his mom. Even though he knew that he'd fucked up, that he realized he made a mistake, he carried on with his lie (at another person's expense) because he didn't want to get caught.

Like the milk.

And like this:

"Jonathan and Kelly: The Earlyish Days"

-A transcription (that seems much longer than it needs to be but in regards to the overarching story, I promise it's not)

INT. KELLY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Kelly is sitting on her bed in April of 2021, ten months after she and Jonathan started dating. The two of them are texting after having had an argument earlier that day over Jonathan recently following and regularly interacting with a questionable girl (read: a girl who posted nudes and provocative tweets) on Twitter on not one, but two accounts. She has just opened Twitter and found that after unfollowing her, he was following her once again. 

KELLY: Listen, I don't want to talk about this right now, but I don't think I want you to come over tomorrow. I'll just see you Friday

THE EX-VIRGO: Are you serious?!

KELLY: Extremely

THE EX-VIRGO: what did I do now?!

KELLY: Nothing, Jonathan

KELLY: You did nothing

THE EX-VIRGO: I deserve to know at least that much?

KELLY: You know what? I never say stuff like this to you, ever, but you know how you said earlier that you're fucking stupid?

KELLY: I can't not agree

THE EX-VIRGO: Was it something I said about my Sister??

KELLY: No, Jonathan

THE EX-VIRGO: Then, WHAT?!

KELLY: I guess you'll just have to think really hard

THE EX-VIRGO: NO!

THE EX-VIRGO: I haven't done anything since I've apologized to you!

THE EX-VIRGO: WHAT DID I DO?!

THE EX-VIRGO: Something on Twitter again? Cause I haven't done anything on it!

KELLY: Okay

THE EX-VIRGO: Kelly...

KELLY: And you know what? Since I'm so mad, I'd like to point out that you said earlier that it's not like you flirt openly with people on Twitter when you clearly did for months

KELLY: But that's not why I'm mad

KELLY: But what a fucking statement to make

THE EX-VIRGO: And that's why you're mad?

KELLY: I just said no

KELLY: that's not why I'm mad

THE EX-VIRGO: Then what?!

THE EX-VIRGO: And I only flirted with this other girl, but we had gone over that. And again it was just...I DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

KELLY: And yet they're important enough for this

THE EX-VIRGO: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I'M JUST UNFOLLOWING THEM ALL.

KELLY: Really?

THE EX-VIRGO: I CAN'T TAKE THIS FUCKING PARANOIA ANYMORE!

KELLY: Are you fucking kidding? 

KELLY: Are you kidding? 

KELLY: I'm not paranoid about anything

THE EX-VIRGO: THEN WHAT?!

KELLY: Like, fucking what?

THE EX-VIRGO: WHAT IS IT?!

KELLY: Wtf would I be paranoid about?

THE EX-VIRGO: That I didn't unfollow her?!

KELLY: First of all, I can't believe you'd be stupid enough to even ask what I wanted you to do

KELLY: Like what? 

KELLY: Like fucking what? 

KELLY: But no

THE EX-VIRGO: NOTHING there isn't anything to be! But you're jealous of 2 chicks I never EVEN MET.

KELLY: BECAUSE YOU DID UNFOLLOW HER AND THEN YOU FUCKING FOLLOWED HER AGAIN

KELLY: I can't stand you right now

KELLY: At all

THE EX-VIRGO: I DID NOT UNFOLLOW HER!

KELLY: Huh. That's funny

KELLY: Because while we were talking, I looked and you did

THE EX-VIRGO: Okay Kelly

KELLY: She had 11 followers and you weren't one of them

KELLY: you're lying to me

THE EX-VIRGO: Jesus fucking Christ

KELLY: I can't believe you're lying to me over this fucking girl on twitter who you follow on two accounts

KELLY: Don't fucking talk to me

KELLY: Right now, I regret that we're going out of town together

KELLY: I'm livid

KELLY: I feel like

THE EX-VIRGO: There! Unfollowed!

 KELLY: Idk even know what I feel like

 KELLY: Do you have any idea how much damage you have done? 

KELLY: I'm never going to believe you again now

THE EX-VIRGO: Enough that you fucking hate me now. 

THE EX-VIRGO: I don't understand why.

KELLY: Because you lied? 

KELLY: Are you serious?

TTHE EX-VIRGO: I didn't lie!

KELLY: Yes, Jonathan, you did

KELLY: You're lying rn

KELLY: Just stop

KELLY: Just fucking stop

KELLY: You unfollowed her when we were fighting and then after you unfollowed her, you asked me if you should

KELLY: And then I said you should do what you thought you should do based on our conversation

THE EX-VIRGO: I asked if I should. I never unfollowed.

KELLY: Yes

KELLY: You

KELLY: Did

KELLY: Stop

KELLY: Fukcin [sic]

KELLY: Lying

KELLY: To me

KELLY: You're caught

KELLY: I was on her timeline

THE EX-VIRGO: Okay Kelly.

KELLY: Just stop

THE EX-VIRGO: Whatever.

THE EX-VIRGO: Nothing I say will matter.

THE EX-VIRGO: I unfollowed now.

THE EX-VIRGO: Both accounts.

THE EX-VIRGO: It's all I can do.

KELLY: You unfollowed before

KELLY: God, I can't believe you're lying to me like this

THE EX-VIRGO: You want me to unfollow Jupiter too?

KELLY: Like, I can't

KELLY: I don't even know what to think about us anymore

KELLY: I truly don't

THE EX-VIRGO: Are you seriously...

KELLY: And the fact that you keep lying, like you think I'm going to believe you when I saw

KELLY: I saw

THE EX-VIRGO: Please pick up.

KELLY: Every time you lie again, it makes me sick

KELLY: Like, how are you blatantly lying to me?

KELLY: I am so in shock right now

THE EX-VIRGO: Baby...

THE EX-VIRGO: Please

KELLY: No

KELLY: I'm not your fucking baby

THE EX-VIRGO: I do not want to fight about this.

KELLY: This isn't a fight

THE EX-VIRGO: I will delete all of Twitter

KELLY: This is much worse than a fight

KELLY: Will you delete your lies?

THE EX-VIRGO: So that's it?

THE EX-VIRGO: You'll break up with me over this?

KELLY: I caught you in a lie and you just kept lying to me

KELLY: How?

KELLY: How could you do that?

KELLY: How fucking stupid and weak minded do you really think I am?

THE EX-VIRGO: I know you aren't.

KELLY: I may play submissive, but let me fucking tell you something

KELLY: I am not

THE EX-VIRGO: Kelly... I know you aren't.

KELLY: I'm so

KELLY: I just, I can't believe you would do this

KELLY: Forget being dumb enough, or pretending to be dumb enough, to ask if you should unfollow the girl

KELLY: Or unfollowing her and even after seeing how upset I was, following her again

KELLY: But lying about it?

KELLY: And lying repeatedly?

KELLY:: When you were caught?

KELLY:: What the fuck, Jonathan

THE EX-VIRGO: Look how this is going?

KELLY: Idk even know what that means

THE EX-VIRGO: Kelly...I love you

THE EX-VIRGO: I'm not perfect

KELLY: Yes, you certainly act like you love me

THE EX-VIRGO: I know you aren't stupid.

KELLY: What with all the lying

KELLY: It's a girl's dream

KELLY: Thank you!

THE EX-VIRGO: Yes okay I lied. Because I unfollowed her for a bit. And when we talked I figured it was pointless I did it

KELLY: Like this fucking girl, this girl who you don't even know, is important enough for you to do that

KELLY: To do this

THE EX-VIRGO: She isn't.

KELLY: That's too bad

THE EX-VIRGO: Not at all

THE EX-VIRGO: I just...

KELLY: I hope you know I don't trust you at all anymore

KELLY: Not one bit

KELLY: I don't believe you don't DM people

THE EX-VIRGO: Kelly...

KELLY: I don't believe you don't talk to people inappropriately

THE EX-VIRGO: Please

KELLY: I don't believe any of it

KELLY: I believe you're a fucking guy like every other guy

THE EX-VIRGO: I promise you. I swear I don't fucking lie to you.

KELLY: Yes, only this once when I caught you

KELLY: Plus the ones that kept coming after I caught you

KELLY: Nothing else

KELLY: Mmhmm

THE EX-VIRGO: Yes I did right now. Because I panicked. And I thought you were going to hate me.

KELLY: Well, your plan was executed very well

THE EX-VIRGO: I...

THE EX-VIRGO: Between my sister...and...I know it's not an excuse.

THE EX-VIRGO: I don't lie to you.

KELLY: Just stfu up about your sister

KELLY: Your sister is irrelevant

THE EX-VIRGO: And I know there is no way to prove it.

KELLY:: Anything else is irrelevant

THE EX-VIRGO: Kelly...

THE EX-VIRGO: Please...

THE EX-VIRGO: These 2 things with these 2 girls,

THE EX-VIRGO: I never fucking thought this would spiral like this.

THE EX-VIRGO: Over girls on the internet

KELLY: Maybe you should've stopped when you knew how much it bothered me and THEN NOT BEEN A FUCKING LIAR

KELLY: This isn't about girls on the internet

KELLY: It's about you

THE EX-VIRGO: I'm not a liar.

THE EX-VIRGO: I try my best to be a good boyfriend.

THE EX-VIRGO: I'm not perfect

KELLY: It's about the fact that you have a girlfriend and for months were tweeting the things you were to that jupiter girl and you knew how much it bothered me and then you followed this other girl, and you knew how much that bothered me, and you not only didn't unfollow her, you followed a second account and then when you knew how much that bothered me, you pulled what you pulled tonight

THE EX-VIRGO: But please don't turn this into me being like everyone else.

KELLY: For trying to be a good boyfriend, you're doing a really shitty job

THE EX-VIRGO: Because of this?

KELLY: What was that you said earlier? When you apologized?

KELLY: Something about thinking about things like this and taking my feelings into consideration

KELLY: And then you fucking followed her back

KELLY: And lied about it

THE EX-VIRGO: I followed her back because I honestly thought it was dumb I did it out of desperation earlier.

THE EX-VIRGO: I lied because I knew you were already angry.

KELLY: So you thought about it, and you thought, Kelly was furious--furious--about me following this girl, but I think she would really not care if I followed her back

THE EX-VIRGO: And I fucking panicked.

KELLY: You honestly thought I was that dumb?

THE EX-VIRGO:I didn't want us to fight anymore.

THE EX-VIRGO: No I didn't.

THE EX-VIRGO: But I thought you'd just let it go. Because I didn't want to get into it about this again.

THE EX-VIRGO: And I was wrong.

THE EX-VIRGO: And it was stupid.

KELLY: "I followed her back because I honestly thought it was dumb I did it out of desperation earlier."

KELLY: What?

THE EX-VIRGO: I thought it was dumb if I unfollowed her out of desperation. Like I thought you'd think I was only doing it for you.

KELLY: That was the point. Doing it for me

KELLY: Are you fucking kidding

KELLY: Just go away

KELLY: I can't listen to you anymore

THE EX-VIRGO: No the point is to do it for both of us.

KELLY: Goodnight, Jonathan

KELLY: I can't deal with this

THE EX-VIRGO: I ca't prove I love you by just doing things when you tell me

KELLY: And I don't want to do anything rash

KELLY: Yes, it makes much more sense to keep doing things you know hurt me

KELLY: I hate you

THE EX-VIRGO: Please don't say that

KELLY: You should just stop talking

KELLY: Really

THE EX-VIRGO: I love you...no matter what. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry for today.

KELLY: Yeah. So am I

THE EX-VIRGO: You are everything to me...

KELLY: Apparently not

THE EX-VIRGO: You are

KELLY: And nothing you say will change that

***

I interrupt this chismo to say, what a difference a day makes, huh? Well, a day to me; since I haven't posted since the debacle of a post I wrote in Spanish that night when I was drunk, a few weeks to you. Be assured, though, that until this morning, I was still in the same place I have been for the last almost four months since the ex-Virgo and I broke up: devastated and weepy, crying in the bathroom between classes and with my back turned to my students while they were working, sitting at my table because I couldn't bring myself to leave the house, and worst of all, although I didn't realize it was worst of all until yesterday night, talking to the ex-Virgo pretty regularly, both of us telling each other how much we love and miss each other, both of us crying either on the phone, on FaceTime, or via text, me saying that I wouldn't give up on us, and him saying that maybe if we both work on ourselves, in the future things will work out. 

Funny behavior from a guy who has a girlfriend. 

Or maybe not that funny if you take into consideration that on September 5, when I directly asked the ex-Virgo if he was seeing anyone, he told me no despite having had that girlfriend since the beginning of August. 

Also maybe not that funny if you take into consideration that the lie I mentioned a few blogs back, the one that ended our relationship? It was about this girl, this girl who he used to work with, who on the day she got hired a couple years ago, the ex-Virgo told me was pretty but a little fat and then a year later told me he'd make an exception to his fat rule for. 

But, alas it's 8:18, and I have a work out to do (because while some people may be okay with being fat, I in no way am), so that's a story for another night. 

Lo Siento en Advance

Last Friday night after going out after work and getting a little tipsy, I sat down and wrote the following post which, as you'll soon see, may or not make sense. I wasn't sure whether or not to post it for a couple reasons, one being that it doesn't make much sense and makes me look like an illiterate fool (illiterate being the operative word; I'm quite aware that much of what I write makes me look like a fool), and the second because in my wise old age, I've learned some things are better left unsaid. Having gotten the green light to post from the party I didn't want to upset, though, I decided to go ahead. I mean, it's already written, and why waste the perfectly unintelligible writing sitting in my drafts?

The Perfectly Unintelligible Writing Sitting in My Drafts

La primera cosa yo deberia hacer es te digo sali despues trabajar y estoy un poquito drunk. Un otra cosa yo deberia decirte es no se mucho espanol y no estoy usando un traductor, so si no me entiendes porque escribo muy malo, lo siento. Con esto, no se porque quiero escribir en espanol pero buena suerte leer esto blog (estoy seguro no voy a lo poder leer manana).

Estaba hablando con mi madre algo dias ago y le dije que la madre de mi ex-Virgo lee mi blog todo la tiempo (porque ella hace. Ella lo lee como una mujer loca. Puedo ver). Mi madre me dijo yo no deberia escribir mas porque por que deberia let esta mujer conocer algo de mi vida y esa es un pregunta buena. Porque yo deberia? 

Ustedes no lo saben esto pero en los tres anos mi ex-Virgo fue mi Virgo, yo no meet la madre de el uno vez. No uno vez! No solamente did I not meet ella pero cuando aprendio about mi, ella hizo mi ex-Virgo salir de su casa. En los proximos tres anos, fue como yo no exist. Por que, tu preguntas? Pues, supposedly porque soy un vieja y un sucia (porque tengo catorce mas anos de mi ex-Virgo y tengo tattoos (even though la hermana de mi ex-Virgo tiene way way way mas tattoos que mi) pero no es verdad porque la novia de mi ex-Virgo antes que yo tuvo diez anos menos de el y la madre de mi ex-novio no le gusta ella either. La verdad es ella would no le gusta any chica con mi ex-Virgo. Nunca.

Y ahora yo digo todos de mi vida aqui? Como por que? 

Como por que es una pregunta buena.

Y aqui es la cosa. 

Escribiendo de mi vida es mi cosa. Lo es como voy a me siento mejor una dia. Escribiendo siempre me ayuda sentir mejor (como sabes si estabas leendo mi blog para un tiempo). 

So la pregunta es...escribo para mi? 

O no escribo para ella?  

No se pero I guess nosotros vamos a ver. 

I Keep Tearing Out the Sutures

I've always had a thing for dates. Among other things, I could tell you the birthday of almost every person I've ever met (and even some people I haven't), the date I started dating my high school boyfriend, the date my sister and my then-best friend started dating their high school boyfriends, when both of my sons started dating their high school girlfriends, the date I first kissed both my ex-Glenn and my ex-Virgo, and so on. Because I've always been this way with dates, September 4 has been on my radar (date-dar?) since 1987 when two of my best friends from middle school and I snuck out in the middle of the night to meet up with some older boys we had been talking to all summer, and one of us (one of us who wasn't me) lost our virginity.

Since that night in 1987, whenever September 4 would roll around, I'd think of the monumental night that had occurred however many years earlier. It was always the day X lost her virginity. Years later, though--thirty-three years later, to be exact--it became something else. Thirty-three years later after we matched on Bumble, met irl, and fell in love, instead of September 4 being the day X lost her virginity, it became the date my ex-Virgo was born. 

Three years ago tomorrow, I spent the first of three birthdays with my ex-Virgo. I remember being so nervous the whole summer leading up to it, wanting it to be absolutely perfect and so afraid I'd somehow mess it up. I can't even tell you the number of hours I spent not only looking for the perfect present but even for the perfect wrapping paper, but lest you misunderstand how much of a nervous wreck I was, let's take a look at my Facebook post from August 19.

(I went with the one in the upper left corner, in case you're curious.)

The day before, I spent the night baking him a cake from scratch (chocolate even though my specialty and preference is white because it was his birthday, not mine), and when he came over the following night after having spent the day with his mother at the beach, I surprised him with what I hoped was the perfect present wrapped in the perfect wrapping paper with the perfect cake.

I then took him to what, after doing a lot of research and reading a lot of reviews, I hoped would be the perfect restaurant while wearing what I hoped would be the perfect dress. I even painted I ♡ Jonathan in black on blue nails (his favorite color) in hopes of having the perfect hands. 

The next year for his birthday, my second with him, we went to Orlando and met up with my older son and his friends. Chasing perfect again, I got a room for my ex-Virgo and me at the same hotel downtown where we'd stayed on our first Orlando trip, took him to Kres Chophouse, a steakhouse Griffin had raved about, and then to a hidden speakeasy, and although my feet hurt horrifically because wanting to look perfect, I wore heels for the first time in over ten years, it was a close-to-perfect night.

Year three, when my ex-Virgo turned thirty-three, a grandiose idea popped into my head. Instead of just buying him a present as is the norm, I would do something significant and heartfelt, something that would show him how much I appreciated and loved him. I would make my ex-Virgo a room. 

Okay, so I know that sounds like more than what it was, so let me explain. Since I've lived in my house since 2002, when my ex-Virgo moved in, to him, it never really felt like his house. No matter how much I told him it was his house, too, and tried to make him feel like it was, it just never did. He hung posters and pictures up on the walls, put little statues and figures everywhere, helped me pick out furniture and paint, but he'd commented on how he only had small spaces for his stuff. He also had a ton of stuff in storage still that had nowhere to go, so for his birthday, I decided to give him his very own room, a place where he could put all his gaming consoles, his TV, his games, his posters, his everything and his anything. It was really important to me that he felt like my house was his house.

And, of course, I wanted it to be perfect. 

For about a week and a half, whenever my ex-Virgo wasn't home, I covertly went into Keifer's old bedroom to renovate. I spackled and primed walls. I painted. I bought some cute little Metal Gear Solid rubber keychains that I'd been scouring the Internet for since seeing him comment about them on Twitter months before and put the unopened boxes on floating shelves that I hung. I also went onto his computer and picked out some wallpapers he'd made, had them blown up into posters, framed them, and hung them on the walls. I then took a small yellow Post-It, wrote I Love You on it, and stuck it on the door, a "tag" for his gift (a Post-It that adorned the bedroom door for the next six months and twenty-one days until he moved out, and let me tell you, the first time I saw that door without that Post-It, I'm surprised I didn't drop dead right there in the hallway from a broken heart). 

The room went from this (Idk why, but he hated that blue!)

to this (please forgive my bad photography skills)

It wasn't as perfect as I'd hoped it would be, but I felt like it was close.

Last year on my birthday when a friend of mine who's a month older than I am called to wish me a happy birthday and asked what I was doing, I said something about not knowing, that it wasn't a big deal, I'd already had forty-seven of them, and my ex-Virgo, who was in the room, replied, Well, I've only had two. It was a really sweet thing for him to have said, and never when he said it would I have believed that he'd only end up having three or that I'd only end up having that many of his. 

It wasn't enough. 

Now, I know you think I'm just saying that--It wasn't enough--out of sadness, out of reflection, nothing more, and while I am sad, and I am reflecting, when I say it wasn't enough, what I mean is I couldn't leave it at three. I had to have more.

And so (<--------- there it is!)

I set out to make one more birthday perfect, or at least the weekend before it.

I know I didn't make it clear since I only mentioned making my ex-Virgo that first birthday cake, but baking is my thing. If I love you, if I care about you, want them or not, you're getting baked goods. At first I planned to make my ex-Virgo a chocolate cake, but then I remembered that once he'd commented about loving this pizookie from BJ's, saying it was too bad I'd never be able to have it since it wasn't vegan. 

I knew that was what I had to bake. 

A little more than a week before his birthday, I started researching vegan pizookie recipes until I found the one that looked perfect. I then ordered a cast iron pan, bought my ingredients, and on Thursday night, went to work (and really did end up baking the perfect pizookie if I do say so myself. Jesus Christ that thing was good). 

The next day, Friday, as soon as the bell rang, I raced out of work and headed to Jade Tea House to buy him a taro milk tea. When my ex-Virgo lived here, he fell completely in love with their taro milk tea, and when I say in love, I mean in love; in fact, in light of everything that happened, I think he probably loved that taro milk tea more than he loved me. He even commented after moving out that one of the worst things about living in Kendall was not being able to have his drink.  

I then got in my car and drove forty-something miles in rush hour to Kendall, to the place where I thought he might work based on things he'd said over the past two months since he started a new job--don't worry; I was right!--and the same way I left little notes and gifts on his car throughout the entirety of our relationship whenever I was near the doctor's office where he used to work, I left the perfect pizookie, the perfect taro milk tea, and the perfect birthday card on his car.

And now I have to--have to--be done. 

That perfect pizookie, that perfect taro milk tea, and that perfect birthday card have to be--have to be--the last perfect birthday accoutrements I ever give my ex-Virgo because making him perfect birthdays is no longer up to me. 

Four isn't enough--no number of years is ever really enough when you want to spend your entire life with someone--but I have to--have to--accept that four is all I got.