This is a hard post to write, my until-2020-annual-what-I'm-thankful-for post that the last time I wrote talked about Jonathan and how grateful I was to have him; in fact, I wasn't going to write it because what the fuck do I have to be thankful for this year? At least that's what I've been thinking. A lot. But here I am, and here it is albeit slightly different from the norm because this year I've decided to write both what I'm thankful for and also what I'm not. Petulant and sullen of me? Sure, but also pretty on brand, not just in the petulant and sullen part but also in my refusal to pretend to be anything I'm not. In the spirit then of being somewhat thankful, mostly not thankful, and being myself, it's time for my list(s). Let's switch things up from gloom and doom for a few minutes and start with
Things I'm Thankful For, 2023
1. What I look like. Right this second, it's the only thing coming to my mind. So many horrible things have come out of my breakup with Jonathan, but the way I look isn't one of them and honestly, thank the fucking lord, because if I didn't at least have my looks, I'd probably have killed myself by now. I know this doesn't matter since Jonathan is with Carla and not with me, but it does make me happy that she looks the way that she looks and I look the way that I look, and while we're on the subject, it also makes me happy (which I guess means makes me thankful, so it should be number
2.) to know that the only reason Carla is Jonathan's girlfriend instead of me is because I threw him out and caught him in lies. He wasn't going anywhere, feelings for Carla or not, so at least I have that: the knowledge that, whatever happens in their relationship, she started out as a consolation prize.
3. My determination to be healthy. I won't say this will last forever because with me, nothing ever does, but I've been consistently strength training since July and training for a half-marathon for the past month, and I have to say, it's really paid off, not just in the way that I look, but in the way that I feel about myself when I follow through and meet my goals. Right now, I really need a win, and being disciplined in my workouts is giving me one.
4. R - so I met this guy on Bumble, but before you go thinking anything, it's not like that. I told him from the get go that I just wanted to be friends, and we're nothing more, but we've gone out, and we text a lot, and it feels good having that which reminds me of
5. My group chat with Curt and Geoff. It's an inactive group chat a lot of the time because Geoff keeps very strange hours (I won't take the time to explain who Geoff is to you, but if you know the show My So Called Life, you'll understand who he is to me when I tell you his name is Jordan Catalano in my phone), but it always makes me feel good to be a part of it. Curt and Geoff are two of the wittiest people I know (far wittier than I am if you can believe it), and our interactions make me happy. Plus, no matter how far removed from elementary school, middle school, high school, and undergrad and, therefore, my obsession with Geoff I am, I'll always be just a little bit in love.
6. My run club or better yet, the fact that I got up the nerve to go to a run club at all. When Jonathan and I were together, he used to go to his cunt of a mother's house every Wednesday night for dinner, so I joined a run club to go to while he was gone. I didn't go all summer since I had no desire to leave the house, but I went back in September and have been there almost every Wednesday night since. I've never been good at meeting people because I come across as standoffish since I'm so shy, and while when I first showed up, I could barely talk, I'm now friends or at least friendish with everyone. It feels nice.
7. The newfound judgment I, at least for now, have. I think it's no secret that I don't do things that are good for me especially when it comes to boys. Recently, though, I've made three good decisions that in the past I never would have. As we all know, I've been feeling pretty bad, and when I feel bad, I start to think of the past which leads to me wanting to talk to people -- you know what, forget the involved explanation. Clinton. I wanted to text Clinton. His birthday just passed, and I was like, what harm can it do to just send a happy birthday text? I even messaged a friend and asked what she thought, and although she stupidly said she supposed it could cause no harm at all, I realized it could do nothing but. Whether he ignored me or whether he responded, it would only lead to my getting hurt, and so for the first time in my life, I exercised self-control regarding a boy. You know what? I'm lying. That wasn't the first time in my life because exercising self-control was involved in another one of the three good decisions I made, and this other time came first. I recently was in the position to have sex with someone who you all know from past posts as the best sex I've ever had but who you also know from this post as someone who broke my heart. Even though I'm totally enmeshed in my breakup trauma and depression and feel like I'll never care about any boy other than Jonathan again, I know if I were to have had sex, emotions would resurface whether genuine or not, so like with not texting Clinton, I made a healthy choice. Same goes for my decision to only be friends with Bumble guy R who I could have dated if I'd wanted but who I know isn't right for me and doing so would only be an attempt to feel a little bit better right now but end up hurting in the long run. I think it's possible I'm learning how to protect my heart.
8. Keifer moving next week. Keifer came to stay with me in July, and while I love him very, very much and am happy I had this time with him, I'm ready to have my house to myself. I also can't stand how much he loathes being here, and if moving will make him happy, I'm thankful for that.
9. My relationship takeaways. Jonathan and I were talking a few days ago, and the subject of how we've influenced each other's lives came up. Both of us agreed that we've adopted lots of things because of one another. Not limited to but including the things that I cook and I eat; Mary, Gustavo, and Diana, my three Roombas; my well-rounded education in video games; and my love of The Vampire Diaries and Castlevania, there are so many things in my life now that weren't here three years ago, and since I mentioned
10. TheVampire Diaries and Castlevania, I'd me remiss if I didn't talk about being thankful for them. I'm not saying they're Buffys, but they're pretty close. I suppose it's possible they came around at just the right time in my life and that's why I love them as vehemently as I do, but whatever the reason, I'm thankful they both exist.
11. The relationship with Jonathan that I still have. Through this post and some recent ones, you may have surmised that Jonathan and I still talk. It's not super often (although lately it's been much more often than it was), but when we do talk, we talk a lot, and like he said today, it's without devolving into fights. I know. I know! Zero contact and all that stuff. Except not for me. It doesn't matter what Jonathan did to me or how awful I've felt as a result, I still love him just as much right this second as I did our whole entire relationship, and I'm thankful I have him in my life.
And you know what? Let's stop this right now. It's not like you're unaware of the things I'm not thankful for; let's for once end a post on a good (although sad) note. Happy Thanksgiving, people who read my blog. It may not be in my immediate cards, but I wish every one of you lots of love and peace -- unless, of course, Carla happens to be reading this post in which case I'd like to minus one from that wish.
Goddammit, did that just fuck up my good note? Let's try this again.
Ending on a good note, take two:
Love and peace, people. Love and peace.
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