My Darling, Who Knew?

So who just curled up in a ball in the corner of their kitchen and had one last good cry to end 2023? Just me? I figured.

I didn't intend for it to go out this way, 2023. When I decided I just wanted to stay home, sure, I knew I'd be sad, but did I think I'd be sobbing uncontrollably on my black and white tile floor? Certainly not. What I thought was, after having run ten miles earlier in the day, I'd eat some really fattening and yummy things I don't usually let myself eat, feel sad and lonely - which is obviously nothing new - sage my house, eat some grapes, toss a bucket of water out my front door, and call it night, and honestly, it might have happened like that if it hadn't been for stupid Publix and its DJ of Despair. 

There I was on my second stop of the night, Total Wine being my first since, yes, I'm not just sad and lonely, I'm a sad and lonely drunk, walking from the tortilla chip and salsa aisle to the produce section for my grapes when I heard lyrics I hadn't heard in a long, long time: "If someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out 'cause they're all wrong. I know better 'cause you said forever," and much like right this second as I type, I started getting tears in my eyes. I continued down the main aisle, taking a detour past the vegan ice cream, and as I got closer to the grapes, a new verse began: "When someone said count your blessings now, 'fore they're long gone, I guess I just didn't know how," and that time I had to force myself to not break down right there as I hobbled past the cookies and cakes. 

After stopping at Whole Foods for the ice cream I didn't buy at Publix (plus some vegan flatbread and olive tapenade (ten miles, people who read my blog! I think that warranted a feast!)), I came home, heated my flatbread, sat in uncharacteristic silence, and ate. When I finished eating, although I knew I shouldn't do it, I did it anyway. I picked up my phone, connected to Third Place on my Bluetooth, typed "Who Knew?" into the search bar, and listened as Pink sang the most painful, apropos lyrics I can't believe weren't clairvoyantly written about Jonathan and me - 

You took my hand, you showed me how / You promised me you'd be around / Uh-huh, that's right / I took your words, and I believed / in everything you said to me/ uh-huh, that's right

If someone said three years from now / you'd be long gone / I'd stand up and punch them out / 'cause they're all wrong / I know better 'cause you said forever / and ever, who knew?

Remember when we were such fools / and so convinced and just too cool? / Oh, no, no, no / I wish I could touch you again / I wish I could still call you, friend / I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now / 'fore they're long gone / I guess I just didn't know how / I was all wrong / They knew better, still, you said forever / and ever, who knew?

I'll keep you locked in my head / until we meet again / and I won't forget you, my friend / What happened?

If someone said three years from now / you'd be long gone / I'd stand up and punch them out / 'cause they're all wrong and / that last kiss I'll cherish until we meet again / and time makes it harder / I wish I could remember / but I keep your memory / You visit me in my sleep

My darling, who knew? -

and then there I was sitting at my table crying lightly and then standing in my kitchen crying harder and then sobbing as I sat crisscross applesauce on my kitchen floor and then lying down and sobbing in the fetal heap I mentioned before wondering if my dad was watching me as I cried and either feeling sorry for me or thinking that Jesus Christ his daughter is on a downward spiral and needs to get her life together stat and then after a few minutes of silence once the song stopped, making my way to my hands and knees and finally getting up, going into the bathroom, blowing my nose, looking in the mirror, and thinking, Jesus fuck, I look horrific.

It's been a couple hours since then. I've since finished my french toast beer, mopped my floor and saged my house all the while chanting, "Cleanse, cleanse, cleanse this place, cleanse, cleanse, cleanse this space," in an effort to cleanse I'm not quite sure what since the memory of Jonathan is the last thing I want scrubbed from my black and pink walls, but in the same vein, I plan to continue the tradition he shared with me of throwing a bucket of water outside to rid myself and my house of negative energy even though again in another same vein, the only negative energy here seems to be me, so I'm not entirely sure how that will work. 

Anyway. 

I remember as 2020 came to a close, people couldn't wait. The pandemic had fucked with so many lives, ruining mental health, draining finances, isolating people, forcing them to miss entire periods of life. I, on the other hand, loved 2020 for reasons I've discussed and won't reiterate now. Now, 2023 - that's 2020 for me. But, still, unlike those who clamored for the end of the worst year of their lives, I don't want mine to end. Like I told Jonathan when he was here the other night, I spent the majority of 2023 without him, and 2024 coming means a new year is starting out without us being together which just further solidifies what already was solid.