You know how sometimes several unrelated things that all happen right around the same time turn out to actually be related, leading to a realization or observation of sorts? Like, picture a map, and on the map are a bunch of roads, parallel at first, but then one curves a little here, and another curves a little there, and another one maybe just gradually drifts east while another one sharply turns west. In the end, even though each road started in a different place, they all eventually meet. Well, that map is pretty much a visual representation of my life over the past couple weeks.
The Map
1. Little Asian Avenue
A couple weeks ago, I went out with a guy who I ended up not liking at all. I won't talk about how he barely looked anything like his pictures on Bumble since that's not relevant to this post or how he thought he was way cuter and more interesting than he was because that's not relevant, either. I won't even mention that he lives in Brooklyn and doesn't know who Adam Yauch is. What I'll talk about instead is how, by the end of the night--and it was a short night; we met spur of the moment at 9:00 on a school night, and I had one drink while he ate and didn't drink--despite my not doing anything to indicate it was all right, he plopped himself down next to me on my side of the table, put his hand on my ass, and actually squeezed it like a roll of Charmin, and then after I firmly moved it, he put it on my leg while trying to convince me to go back to his hotel room with him. I'll also tell you about how, once I assured him I most definitely would not be going back to his hotel room with him, he convinced me to walk around a little, and despite my not only not showing any interest in him but actually rebuffing him repeatedly, he grabbed my hand, pulled me into him, and kissed me, and even though I thought he was annoying and ridiculous and lamented having driven all the way to Sawgrass Mills to meet him, I kissed him back because I didn't know how to not.
2. Redneck Road
Recently I was hit on by a man I used to know when I was somewhere with both him and his wife. When I was leaving the place where we both were--does this sound vague? I hope so because it's totally supposed to--Man I Used to Know made a totally out of nowhere comment about my being horny and alone (!) and offered to sext with me--okay, can we just stop the conversation for a minute and talk about the use of the word "sext" in that offer? Who uses the word sext in that kind of context? Is sexting something people actually offer to do? Because in my experience, it's something that just naturally happens; but I digress. As I drove away, I was like, that was weird, but since I had a date to get to, which you'll hear about soon when we arrive on Cutie Pie Court, I forgot about it by the time I turned the corner. Later, though, during my date, I picked up my phone and glanced at the screen to see that Man I Used to Know had sent me three messages:
39m ago It was great seeing you if you ever wanna sext [number omitted for obvious purposes]
27m ago Like now lol I'm just board [sic] everybody left
2m ago What's your #?
And then later
3:42 AM Now I feel stupid
to which I finally responded
3:58 AM Don't feel stupid. I know you were just drunk.
I was polite and tried to make things less uncomfortable because I don't know how to not.
3. Cutie Pie Court
While I was on my post-party date with the first guy to make my heart pitter and patter in almost a year, the subject of cheating came up. Having both cheated and been cheated on, he'd decided that being cheated on was worse for a man than a woman. I thought about it, and if that were true, I said, it was only because society normalizes a man's cheating but scorns a woman's. I'm not saying society deems it okay for a man to cheat, but it's much more acceptable and rationalizations are made.
She was all over him; he couldn't resist
He was drunk (the excuse High School Friend messaged at 6:31 PM the day following the solicitations when he said, You were absolutely right I was drunk last night I hope I didn't offend you in any way I've been told I'm a big flirt when I have been drinking it was great seeing you guys. A big flirt? Child, please.
It was just sex, it didn't mean anything
Because of this belief that guys are just these oversexed beings ruled by their penises while women are supposedly not of that ilk--they're not ruled by their penises, I'll give society that--when a man is cheated on, he takes it harder and questions his manhood whereas a woman is more likely to ascribe the just-like-a-fucking-man mentality to the situation. If, I told the guy I was on a date with, your assertion is true, this is the reason why.
I sort of had to agree because, based on personal experience, I couldn't exactly not.
Medical Student Circle
About two years ago, I dated a medical student for a little over a month. One day while we were in the middle of a conversation, he didn't text back, and since I didn't really care whether or not he stayed in my life, I never text him again, either. I can't say I was upset at all since for a medical student he was surprisingly dumb, but I did care that after a couple months, our relationship ended without so much as a word.
Well. Yesterday I got a text from an unknown number, and I'm sure you can see where this is headed. After almost two years--June of 2016 is the last time we talked--Medical Student wanted to see what I was up to and asked if I was "seeing any korean medical students these days" and if I "have an opening for that position to be filled."
Can you say what the fuck?
This guy, who pretty much ghosted me, called me after almost two years to see if I wanted to start something up? He was so busy with school, he said, that his garbage rotted to the point where his landlord asked if he had a dead body in his apartment. He was treated like a resident and didn't leave the hospital for two months. He was on station 24 hours a day seven days a week. He was an asshole who just disappeared in the middle of a conversation and never bothered contacting the girl he was seeing again--okay, that part was me, but it's true. He couldn't take a second to say, I'm too busy to have anything social going on, have a nice life? I mean, please.
Anyway.
When medical student asked me, "are we still friends?" I really wanted to tell him that no, we were absolutely not friends, but instead text, "We're friends," because I didn't know how to not.
The Place Where My Roads Converge
Well, first and foremost, I'm a chickenshit, and I'm a pussy, and I'm all sorts of things that aren't good. I let people do things--more specifically, men--that I don't want to let do things because I don't know how to not. When I was on Little Asian Avenue and that little Asian squeezed my butt like it was a stress ball, I should have pushed him out of the booth and left, but I was too embarrassed about causing a scene to do it; when the guy from Redneck Road apologized, I shouldn't have normalized his behavior, saying he was just drunk, because he wasn't just drunk. I've been drunk enough to pass out in my own vomit before yet never accidentally cheated on someone (any cheating I've ever done has been when I was one-hundred percent sober, I hate to admit). I should have told him it was a dick thing to do, and I didn't appreciate his soliciting me when his wife was less than a hundred feet away, but I felt uncomfortable and bitchy doing that, so I just let it go. When I was on Medical Student Circle yesterday, I should have told Medical Student I wanted nothing to do with him, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. His two-year-after-the-action apology seemed so nice. On Cutie Pie Court, I probably shouldn't have had sex with a guy I'd just met two hours earlier, but that has nothing to do with this blog, so--but wait. It actually does. I initially wasn't going to have sex with him although I really wanted to, but then in the middle of saying no, I asked myself why I was saying no when I really wanted to say yes, and the only answer I came up with was that I shouldn't sleep with a guy I'd just met. But why should I not have? The answer is obvious: Because nice girls don't. Never mind the fact that I haven't been a nice girl for a really long time, I still feel the pressure to behave the way society tells nice girls they should, and that, people reading this post, is exactly where these roads converge.
I'm not the only chickenshit, and I'm not the only pussy, and I'm not the only girl who's all sorts of things that aren't good. So many of us are like that, the majority of us are like that, I'd even argue that to an extent, we're all like that because that's what society has taught. We normalize men's behavior, and I swear this blog isn't about bashing men because what I'm really saying is that we also normalize our behavior of allowing men's behavior to happen. Maybe if we would--I, but also, you--toughen the fuck up, say what we really want to say, and do what we really want to do, all this normalized, shitty behavior would stop being the norm.
(We also could end up having surprisingly good sex, but unlike me, this post doesn't go all the way; we've come as far as that thought's going to go.)
The Map
1. Little Asian Avenue
A couple weeks ago, I went out with a guy who I ended up not liking at all. I won't talk about how he barely looked anything like his pictures on Bumble since that's not relevant to this post or how he thought he was way cuter and more interesting than he was because that's not relevant, either. I won't even mention that he lives in Brooklyn and doesn't know who Adam Yauch is. What I'll talk about instead is how, by the end of the night--and it was a short night; we met spur of the moment at 9:00 on a school night, and I had one drink while he ate and didn't drink--despite my not doing anything to indicate it was all right, he plopped himself down next to me on my side of the table, put his hand on my ass, and actually squeezed it like a roll of Charmin, and then after I firmly moved it, he put it on my leg while trying to convince me to go back to his hotel room with him. I'll also tell you about how, once I assured him I most definitely would not be going back to his hotel room with him, he convinced me to walk around a little, and despite my not only not showing any interest in him but actually rebuffing him repeatedly, he grabbed my hand, pulled me into him, and kissed me, and even though I thought he was annoying and ridiculous and lamented having driven all the way to Sawgrass Mills to meet him, I kissed him back because I didn't know how to not.
2. Redneck Road
Recently I was hit on by a man I used to know when I was somewhere with both him and his wife. When I was leaving the place where we both were--does this sound vague? I hope so because it's totally supposed to--Man I Used to Know made a totally out of nowhere comment about my being horny and alone (!) and offered to sext with me--okay, can we just stop the conversation for a minute and talk about the use of the word "sext" in that offer? Who uses the word sext in that kind of context? Is sexting something people actually offer to do? Because in my experience, it's something that just naturally happens; but I digress. As I drove away, I was like, that was weird, but since I had a date to get to, which you'll hear about soon when we arrive on Cutie Pie Court, I forgot about it by the time I turned the corner. Later, though, during my date, I picked up my phone and glanced at the screen to see that Man I Used to Know had sent me three messages:
39m ago It was great seeing you if you ever wanna sext [number omitted for obvious purposes]
27m ago Like now lol I'm just board [sic] everybody left
2m ago What's your #?
And then later
3:42 AM Now I feel stupid
to which I finally responded
3:58 AM Don't feel stupid. I know you were just drunk.
I was polite and tried to make things less uncomfortable because I don't know how to not.
3. Cutie Pie Court
While I was on my post-party date with the first guy to make my heart pitter and patter in almost a year, the subject of cheating came up. Having both cheated and been cheated on, he'd decided that being cheated on was worse for a man than a woman. I thought about it, and if that were true, I said, it was only because society normalizes a man's cheating but scorns a woman's. I'm not saying society deems it okay for a man to cheat, but it's much more acceptable and rationalizations are made.
She was all over him; he couldn't resist
He was drunk (the excuse High School Friend messaged at 6:31 PM the day following the solicitations when he said, You were absolutely right I was drunk last night I hope I didn't offend you in any way I've been told I'm a big flirt when I have been drinking it was great seeing you guys. A big flirt? Child, please.
It was just sex, it didn't mean anything
Because of this belief that guys are just these oversexed beings ruled by their penises while women are supposedly not of that ilk--they're not ruled by their penises, I'll give society that--when a man is cheated on, he takes it harder and questions his manhood whereas a woman is more likely to ascribe the just-like-a-fucking-man mentality to the situation. If, I told the guy I was on a date with, your assertion is true, this is the reason why.
I sort of had to agree because, based on personal experience, I couldn't exactly not.
Medical Student Circle
About two years ago, I dated a medical student for a little over a month. One day while we were in the middle of a conversation, he didn't text back, and since I didn't really care whether or not he stayed in my life, I never text him again, either. I can't say I was upset at all since for a medical student he was surprisingly dumb, but I did care that after a couple months, our relationship ended without so much as a word.
Well. Yesterday I got a text from an unknown number, and I'm sure you can see where this is headed. After almost two years--June of 2016 is the last time we talked--Medical Student wanted to see what I was up to and asked if I was "seeing any korean medical students these days" and if I "have an opening for that position to be filled."
Can you say what the fuck?
This guy, who pretty much ghosted me, called me after almost two years to see if I wanted to start something up? He was so busy with school, he said, that his garbage rotted to the point where his landlord asked if he had a dead body in his apartment. He was treated like a resident and didn't leave the hospital for two months. He was on station 24 hours a day seven days a week. He was an asshole who just disappeared in the middle of a conversation and never bothered contacting the girl he was seeing again--okay, that part was me, but it's true. He couldn't take a second to say, I'm too busy to have anything social going on, have a nice life? I mean, please.
Anyway.
When medical student asked me, "are we still friends?" I really wanted to tell him that no, we were absolutely not friends, but instead text, "We're friends," because I didn't know how to not.
The Place Where My Roads Converge
Well, first and foremost, I'm a chickenshit, and I'm a pussy, and I'm all sorts of things that aren't good. I let people do things--more specifically, men--that I don't want to let do things because I don't know how to not. When I was on Little Asian Avenue and that little Asian squeezed my butt like it was a stress ball, I should have pushed him out of the booth and left, but I was too embarrassed about causing a scene to do it; when the guy from Redneck Road apologized, I shouldn't have normalized his behavior, saying he was just drunk, because he wasn't just drunk. I've been drunk enough to pass out in my own vomit before yet never accidentally cheated on someone (any cheating I've ever done has been when I was one-hundred percent sober, I hate to admit). I should have told him it was a dick thing to do, and I didn't appreciate his soliciting me when his wife was less than a hundred feet away, but I felt uncomfortable and bitchy doing that, so I just let it go. When I was on Medical Student Circle yesterday, I should have told Medical Student I wanted nothing to do with him, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. His two-year-after-the-action apology seemed so nice. On Cutie Pie Court, I probably shouldn't have had sex with a guy I'd just met two hours earlier, but that has nothing to do with this blog, so--but wait. It actually does. I initially wasn't going to have sex with him although I really wanted to, but then in the middle of saying no, I asked myself why I was saying no when I really wanted to say yes, and the only answer I came up with was that I shouldn't sleep with a guy I'd just met. But why should I not have? The answer is obvious: Because nice girls don't. Never mind the fact that I haven't been a nice girl for a really long time, I still feel the pressure to behave the way society tells nice girls they should, and that, people reading this post, is exactly where these roads converge.
I'm not the only chickenshit, and I'm not the only pussy, and I'm not the only girl who's all sorts of things that aren't good. So many of us are like that, the majority of us are like that, I'd even argue that to an extent, we're all like that because that's what society has taught. We normalize men's behavior, and I swear this blog isn't about bashing men because what I'm really saying is that we also normalize our behavior of allowing men's behavior to happen. Maybe if we would--I, but also, you--toughen the fuck up, say what we really want to say, and do what we really want to do, all this normalized, shitty behavior would stop being the norm.
(We also could end up having surprisingly good sex, but unlike me, this post doesn't go all the way; we've come as far as that thought's going to go.)
🤔🤔🤔
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