You're Not as Rapey as You Think

The first thing I want to say is that I was asked to write this post, asked to add my voice to a discussion--no, that's wrong. This isn't a discussion. But what is it? A denormalization? Vilification? Witch-hunt? Yes, I think witch-hunt, the real live kind like the Salem Witch Trials during which 20 people were killed as a result of mass hysteria based on absolutely nothing, is what this is--about sexual abuse.

The second thing I want to say is I'm not sure which voice of mine I want to employ. Do I want to speak as a mother of sons who, one, need to know with no uncertainty how to not commit sexual abuse but who, two, also need to know how to escape the quagmire that is a false allegation of it? Do I want to speak as a teacher who feels a responsibility to guide her students through "real life" just as much as the obstacle course of rhetorical devices they have to navigate to succeed in AP? Do I want to speak merely as a woman since women are the loudest voice in this witch-hunt I'm about to oppose? Or do I want to speak as a rape victim who has endured actual sexual abuse and not the imaginary kind of which I'm about to speak?

You know what? I wear a shitload of hats, and this witch-hunt makes me want to wear every single one.

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A Crash Course Alongside a Clarification

When I was asked to write this post, what I was actually asked to write about was a specific allegation of sexual abuse. Cameron Boucher, singer of Sorority Noise, a band known for promoting queer culture, respecting women and minorities, and advocating for mental health was "outed" for raping a girl five years ago, not by the girl, but by the girl's friend. The girl's friend wrote, in a Facebook post, "fuck SN and OG [Old Gray, another one of Cam's bands] because CB is a fucking scumbag who raped a friend of mine." The post was deleted, but not before people saw it, and it became a really big thing. Soon after, Cam released a statement on Twitter in which he denies the allegations, and not long after that, the "rape victim" released a statement of her own.

I'm hoping you're taking the time to read these links, especially since they're super short, but if you're not, here's the situation super condensed:

"[W]e started having consensual sexual interaction. I fell asleep a little while later and I woke up to him touching me. When I finally woke up we started engaging in sex again, but my back was turned and he penetrated me without my consent, knowledge, or a condom. I immediately felt like something was wrong but I compartmentalized it for a month or so until I realized it was, in fact, rape...I wonder sometimes if Cam even remembers it.

"Essentially, this isn't as cut-and-dry as you want it to be. Cam is charming, very sweet, and he makes me forget a lot of the time that he is capable of such disgusting behavior -- but he DID do it. He did rape me. I've just chosen not to call him out."

Largely comprised of see-only-in-black-and-white, there-is-no-gray, someone-is-a-monster-or-not-a-monster people with no tolerance of any kind, the emo/indie scene has pretty much denounced Cam and Sorority Noise, who canceled their tour as soon as the allegations came out, just as it has several other key people amidst other recent allegations of sexual abuse (some rightfully so, some not so much).

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For your viewing displeasure, a sample of tweets about the alleged abuse:

"fuck sorority noise, fuck turnover, fuck pinegrove, fuck moose blood, fuck neck deep, fuck brand new, fuck every single rapist, predator, and abuser that lurk in this scene"

"i let cam boucher and the whole of sorority noise influence my life for 4 years i want to throw the fuck up"

"Cutie at the gig is wearing a sorority noise shirt, is it my responsibility to tell them, do they know, is it ignorance, or the ultimate red flag"

"*looks at watch* oh i guess it's time to get rid of my sorority noise + old gray records"

"Poor Cam THE FUCKING RAPIST. Boy sorority noise fans are the fucking worst. 'Im not trying to victim blame' *proceeds the blame the victim*"

***

And a particularly bothersome thread:
(FYI, the initial tweet isn't the bothersome part. It's the responses that follow.)

It be okay to have sex the next morning specially after you've engaged in sexual behavior that morning already, listen I believe this girl thinks she was raped buy you don't have consensual sex with someone wake up and do sexual things with each other and he's a rapist? Gtfo

--Take you, and your misconceptions of how consent works and leave please

--Yeah that's not how it works

--that's insensitive af. If consent isn't EXPLICITLY given sex shouldn't occur.

--just because consent was given at one point doesn't mean it exists indefinitely

--No no no no no no no no no no no and no. Listen everytime you wanna smash you don't just stick it in you make sure it was consensual and if the other person wants protection you wrap ur willy MMKAY. Doesn't matter if u just banged u still check.

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And so now here's where my issue, my dispute, my incredulity, my disgust, come in, and it's not just about Cam although his situation encapsulates it.

The whole world seems, as is demonstrated above, to have gone mad regarding sexual consent.

A few years ago, one of my students returned from an orientation at UF where she learned that no doesn't mean no anymore; yes means yes instead. These kids were taught that unless somebody says yes to every sexual interaction from kissing to intercourse to everything in between, the person has been raped.

I was recently having a discussion with a professor at a university, and we discussed this issue that I am not alone in perceiving as extremely problematic. I'm paraphrasing here, but what she said was something along the lines of how these kids who grow up in areas that are taught abstinence-only education and have never had any real discussions about sexual interactions or abuse get to college and are taught yes means yes (this is not UF. Yes means yes is taught all over the place) and the new-fangled definition of consent. They then go to college parties and/or get themselves into situations where they do sexual things they regret and/or feel guilty about (as people have throughout history) and think that they've been raped (unlike people throughout history). They don't realize that between holy-shit-I-really-want-to-fuck-this-person and oh-my-fucking-God-I-was-force-to-have-sex-against-my-will-despite-saying-no, there's a really big fucking range. Some things along that range qualify as sexual abuse, there's no disputing that, but some in no way, shape, or form belong in that space. A shitty sexual experience/a sexual experience someone regrets/a sexual experience someone really didn't want to have but never indicated as such--those things are not rape and to internalize it as such, ruining your own life and somebody else's, is such a horror, I can't possibly underscore the severity of the horror story that it is.

Those responses to that tweet that I pasted above--those are terribly misguided ideas about what is and what is not rape. The guy who initially posted has it right. If you've consented to have sex with someone, and this girl obviously did the first time around, and you're sleeping in that person's bed after just having had sex, and that person starts to touch you, that is not rape (it's actually kind of the norm when people are really into each other). Now, if you wake up and say no in any way and the person proceeds to put his penis inside of you, then yes, rape territory is now a place that you're in. But without a no? After you've just had sex? No, sir. Not rape at all.

To those people who tweeted replies about how consent works, I don't even know what to say. I don't know how to approach people so misguided about normal sexual interactions and human behavior and make them see what's so wrong--so infuriating, so dangerous, so sad--with their perception.

Another thing I don't know is how to make people see is how hurtful, how belittling this muddling of real rape/sexual assault and this perceived version of it is to people, like me, who are victims of actual rape and/or sexual assault. To be drugged or too drunk to consent/to be dragged into an empty building or alley or bush in the desert/to have your house broken into and a strange man violate you/to be held at knife- or gunpoint and forced to engage in sexual acts/to be tied up with an electrical cord and pushed around Mark McDonald's bedroom like a pinball by TP, JD, and JL until you agree to sleep with one/to actually be forced into any sexual situation that you don't want to be in and then to be told that someone who had just consented to have sex with someone, fell asleep, woke up to touching she didn't say no to and then had sex with that person again was raped just like you...well, that's one of the most wretched things I've encountered in my life.