I didn't tell you everything yesterday when I posted about how much I missed Glenn; I left something out.
I left out the part where I told him last week that I changed my mind and didn't want to get divorced anymore because I was miserable without him and only felt happy when I was talking to him and the part where he told me that was what he ultimately wanted but that he wasn't sure whether to say yes to me or not because he was afraid I'd change my mind again and he'd get hurt and the part where he met with his therapist to discuss it on Monday and came home and asked me all these questions and told me I had to do certain things and I got defensive and upset because two weeks prior he'd been saying something completely different and I ended up leaving the house and the part where we got in a fight again on Monday night because he told me I needed to let go of the past and I told him I didn't think I could because our past isn't past because it keeps happening and the part where we got in a fight because we're incapable of having a civil conversation. I left all of those things out of my blog, and I'm telling you now because the same thing happened today, over and over and over--we talked and we fought and we talked and we fought and we talked and we fought and I threw a bottle of water at the floor from up on the stairs and I threw a garbage can--a little pink bathroom garbage can, but a garbage can nevertheless--from up on the stairs and I screamed and I yelled and I acted like a lunatic and I realized that no matter how I feel and no matter how Glenn says he feels there's something inside each of us that just won't back down and no matter how intelligent we both are we don't understand one thing that the other says and no matter how well we hear we don't hear one thing the other says and no matter how much we say we love each other it just isn't enough to save us.
After I finished crying for at least the seventh time tonight and listening to my "songs that make me want to kill myself" playlist over and over and over again, I also realized that this is pain, it's real pain, it's visceral pain, it's the kind of pain that gets inside your stomach and wraps around your guts and emanates up to your heart and squeezes your lungs and makes you feel like you have to vomit and can't breathe and I realized all at once that this ridiculous notion about loving C I've been carrying around for the past three years and the lovelorn feeling I've maintained at varying levels over the years is just that...ridiculous. It was a ridiculous notion based on silly schoolgirl feelings and silly schoolgirl pain and the juxtaposition of those feelings and that pain and these feelings and this pain makes me realize how significant he wasn't and how significant Glenn is.
I also realize that, at this point, my realizations don't really mean a thing.