Happy Holiday, You Bastard! 2017

Okay, so every year (except for some reason, not last year. I don't know what could have been going on in my life that kept me from doing it), I post a Happy Holiday, You Bastard! blog on Thanksgiving with thirty things that I'm thankful for. This year, however, I'm going to do things a little differently.

Wait...I interrupt this post to tell you that upon reading this, I now know why I didn't write my traditional holiday blog last year. Funnily enough (except it's really not funny. Fittingly? Appropriately? Makes sensingly? (Can you tell I've been drinking?)), the reason I didn't post one is the same reason I'm doing things differently: Every time I acknowledge good, in comes bad. As a result, instead of writing about things I'm thankful for, I'm going to write about thirty things that I'm opposite of thankful for.

In short, I'm going to write about thirty things that suck.

And here they are:

Things That I'm Not Thankful For, 2017

1. The relationship (or lack thereof) between my sons. Out of all the things that I'm the opposite of thankful for, this would have to be number one. Griffin and Keifer can't stand each other, and when I say that, I'm in no way talking the normal type of sibling spat. I used to fight with my sister all the time; eventually, of course, we would make up because, like, that's what siblings do. Griffin and Keifer haven't spoken in six months, and according to Keifer, they'll never speak again.

2. Calories/metabolism/all things related to gaining weight. I think it's stupid--stupid!--that, one, people can't eat whatever they want and not gain weight, and two, some people can eat whatever they want and not gain weight while some people can't. I also think it's totally not fair that if I want a piece of cake and don't eat it, I don't somehow get weight credit for not eating it. Intentions and good behavior should count for something, right?

3. My genius body. My body is so smart and so advanced that it's figured out how to beat virtually every deodorant that exists. It's not that deodorants don't work on me--that would be a different issue entirely--it's that my body is so smart, it knows how to render deodorant ineffective after a few weeks of use. Right now I have four deodorants in my room that I use on a rotating basis in an attempt to trick my body into not being savvy enough to smell, but sadly, my body cannot be tricked.

4. Beets. They're fucking disgusting. Doesn't matter how you cook 'em, or don't, they're positively nauseous. For those of you who believe in God and like to argue that God doesn't make mistakes, I present the beet as evidence that you're wrong.

5. Donald Trump, anyone who voted for Donald Trump, and anyone who voted for/continues to defend Donald Trump. The man is a piece of shit. Don't pretend he's not. (And if you're not pretending and really think that he's not, you're probably a piece of shit, too.)

6. The mistreatment of cows.

7. T-Mobile's horrific signal anywhere in a one-mile radius around my house. Forget using the Internet or streaming music, I can't even talk on the phone.

8. A specific professor I had in 1997 who I'm so the opposite of thankful for, I just wrote a ratemyprofessor (or teacher) review for her last week. She taught Edgar Allan Poe as a transcendentalist and when our test asked why he was a transcendentalist, I wrote why he was not. Not only did I fail the test along with the rest of the class, but during her lecture about everyone failing, she said something about how somebody actually wrote that Poe wasn't a transcendentalist. Well, guess what Johnnie S? I'm an English professor myself now, and Edgar Allan Poe is a dark fucking romantic, and every time I teach him, I think of you and get sick. Poe, a transcendentalist. Lady, please.

9. Waking up early. I have never been, and never will be, a morning person. Call me before ten o'clock on a weekend, and I'll hate you for life.

10. Dog fur. Between Jazzy's wiry fur floating up and settling on everything from my bed to my dresser to the furniture to the dishes and Hudson's big fluffy tumbleweeds rolling around every room, my house is a sight, and I'm sorry to say, not a good one.

11. LGE Auto Sales in Wilton Manors, FL. If I told you all the things that went wrong with Griffin's five-thousand-dollar car that he just got in May, you wouldn't believe me. That company should be fucking ashamed.

12. Rain. I've never really been one to have a problem with rain, but it's the end of November, and it still hasn't stopped pouring all the time. I mean, come the fuck on. I didn't realize I lived in the actual rain forest. However, I did realize I lived in

13. Hell, or what is commonly referred to as South Florida. November 22 and it's ninety fucking degrees. I swear to God, I hate this place and everything about it.

14. Seaway canceling their headlining tour and opening for Neck Deep. They're not even coming to South Florida anymore. Thanks so much for the big fucking fuck you to your fans.

15. Kevin, or I guess maybe myself and my constantly being duped into thinking Kevin is a decent human being. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, right? Like, seriously, why am I so stupid, and what does it have to take?

16. How fast my fingernails grow.

17. An insane curl pattern that equals hair that's way straighter in the front than it is in the back.

18. Lil Peep dying. A lot of stars I've liked for a lot longer have died on me--Tom Petty, for one, John Hughes, for another. God, even fucking Joey Ramone--but none have thrown me for a loop the way that Lil Peep's dying has.

19. People who appear to be afraid to drive on the expressway but do it regardless. If you're on the highway, people, the gas pedal is your friend. Unless something is going on, there's no reason whatsoever you should be driving under 65 miles per hour; if that feels too fast to you, I disrespectfully say you need to take an alternate route.

20. Mass hysteria á la the Salem Witch Trials and McCarthyism and their modern counterpart, the entertainment industry (this is occurring a lot in Hollywood, yes, but pop punk, I'm really talking to you). You know, the type where one person points a finger, leading to the pointing of lots of other fingers, and a whole lot of crazy people finding things that aren't really there. To quote John Proctor in The Crucible, "Is the accuser always holy now? Were they born this morning as holy as God's fingers?"

21. Fear of change. If I'm going to talk about things I'm the opposite of thankful for, I can't not acknowledge the fear of change that's paralyzed me my entire life. If I weren't so afraid, there's just so much more I would do.

22. The condo association that runs the place where I live along with a whole lot of the people in it. I have to tell you, I hate this place. I'm surrounded by people who litter, people who let their dogs poop all over and don't clean it up, and people who are just disgusting in general. On top of that, the condo association has crazily insane rules that make me feel like I'm living in some type of communist regime. I know, you're wondering why I just don't move. See number 21, and you'll understand why I've lived here for sixteen years.

23. The custodial staff at Miramar High School. My school is fucking disgusting. There's been a spot of what I can only assume is period blood on the floor of one of the teacher bathrooms for over a month (and I'm not talking a microscopic spot that only I can see. This spot is the size of a dime or maybe even a penny). We're always out of soap, and when we do have it, we rarely have paper towels, so there's no way for us to dry our hands. I could go on and on, but just trust me when I say my school is gross. At least the upstairs part of it.

24. Social constructs.

25. Aging. I always knew I'd get older (or at least I naively figured I would. I know a lot of people don't get the chance), but I had no idea it would be this hard to accept. Every time I look in the mirror, I see an old person and don't know who she is. I used to look at old women like my Auntie Babe and Tante (both great aunts of mine) and just think that's how they looked. I never thought about the fact that they were once young with smooth, bright skin free of hyperpigmentation, big eyes, rosy cheeks, full hair, and if it fleetingly did in a way that I didn't really acknowledge, I certainly never entertained the idea that they might feel bad about having aged. From what I've learned from just about everybody my age or older that I know, though, this aging process is no fun for anyone.

26. My ex-Glenn. I know a lot of people don't have good relationships with their exes and this is kind of normal, but I feel like I'm safe in saying most people's exes are much better people than mine.

27. People who breed dogs or buy them from pet stores. The deaths and maltreatment of hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions, of dogs are on you.

28. Buffy the Vampire Slayer no longer being on Netflix.

29. My indecisiveness.

30. The state of my life right now. I have to say, I'm kinda sorta floundering. Griffin is gone, Keifer is never around and soon will be in school and out of the house, too. My school year is the pits. I feel like I've lost my purpose and my way, and I'm struggling to find it. I'm thinking maybe a doctorate or writing another book will make me feel better, maybe some type of volunteering, or even a second job that excites me more than the first one. Yesterday, I mentioned fostering kids to Keifer, so maybe I'll look into that. All I know is I have to do something more than I'm doing now because I hate feeling so aimless inside.

Wow, that number thirty is kind of a downer, huh?

Anyway. Despite my long list of things I'm the opposite of thankful for, Readers, I'm thankful for you (especially if you're the person who tells me to die all the time. I really find it very entertaining and wish you would stop by more), and so I bid you a Happy Thanksgiving, and as always, wish you lots of love and peace.