When I say this is funny, what I really mean is that it's not
funny at all; it is, however, coincidental. Two days ago, a blog was brewing in my
head. Prompted both by a maddeningly ridiculous Twitter thread on which tons of
women answered a tweet asking what they would do if men had a 9:00 curfew and
the vast majority of responses said things like go outside, not be afraid, walk
on the beach, sleep with my windows open, wear what I want, not carry my keys
or pepper spray in my hands, and go for a jog and by a student of mine who
insists sexism towards men doesn't exist and repeatedly responded eloquently
with I don't understand every time I or someone else made a
point to the contrary, I planned to write about the trendy vilification of men
and the notion women have that they can't do anything, ever, without fear of
being assaulted by them. I planned to write about the sheer idiocy of that
claim, to tell you that I'm someone who was molested at nine and again at
twelve and raped at thirteen, and yet other than the time that I was raped
(read: in immediate danger) and one other time when things got kind of sketchy
when I was alone with a certain male friend (read: in actual impending danger),
I've never been afraid of anything simply because men exist. I both run and
walk outside alone all the time, sometimes as late as one in the morning; I
hang out with guys alone; I go to coffeehouses by myself (gasp! I'm alone at
one right now. And it’s nighttime!); I drive hundreds of miles with no one else
in the car. I do all these things and lots more that I won't go on and on about
because I think you get the idea, and other than the one time with my shady
friend, I have never felt threatened or in fear. This is what I intended to
write about because it's absolutely true, and the assertion that all men are to
be feared is simply ridiculous and insulting not only to men but also the
mothers of men or boys who will be men one day.
That, however, is not where this post is going to go.
Make no mistake: I'm still not afraid of men. I didn't get
assaulted on my way to sushi Saturday night nor was I attacked on the treadmill yesterday at the gym. It just so happens, though, that between Friday night and yesterday morning,
I realized that men do hurt women, only the damage is much more subtle than
that which women accuse them of. Men, in my opinion, don't go around physically
hurting women left and right as is the idea du jour; what men are guilty of
doing, however, is behaving as if we're theirs.
You remember, I'm sure, my sort of recent post Party in My Pants and You're Not
Invited, in which I told
you about the friend who accused me of not being a nice person because I don't
want to have sex with him but have sex with other guys as if I owed it to him
to hop into his bed (or in my case, the back seat of my car) just because he
thought I should. I don't think I ever mentioned this, but about a month after
my legal divorce, my ex-Glenn began texting a guy who he didn't want me to see,
reminding him he wasn't allowed to talk to me and harassing him to the point
that he had to go to the police. This, by the way, was when my ex-Glenn was not
only divorced from me but living with another woman. Living with another woman!
Living with another woman, I repeat, yet controlling who I could and could not
see. Prompting this post, two nights ago I had plans to hang out with a friend but
didn't hear from him until yesterday morning when he sent me a text telling me that
he "read the room" and could tell someone would make comments if I
showed up, so he decided I "didn't need that stress."
Did you get that? He decided I didn't need that stress.
He. Fucking. Decided.
Am I the only person who sees a problem with this?
I mean, I shouldn’t even ask because I know I'm not. When I told a
girl, her exact response was, Who is [name withheld in an attempt to
avoid drama] to decide what you need and what you don't need?
And in total reinforcement of my point, when I told a guy, his
response? I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it.
Because to the guy, like it would be to the majority of guys as
demonstrated by their behavior, this action was perfectly fine. Men seem to
think that we're incapable of making our own decisions and unable to take care
of ourselves. When I write this, I think not just of myself and the three
situations I just wrote about but also the guy I know who plans on beating up a
certain guy because he thinks he cheated on a girl that he cares about, like
it's his job to protect her and the other guy who found out something bad
happened to a girl he used to date and secretly went into her social media
accounts to find the guy who did it and avenge the wrong. Maybe the sentiment
is nice--maybe--but it comes from a totally misguided idea about what is/what
is not someone's right. I'm also thinking of the guy who had sex with his
ex-girlfriend for months and when she refused to leave her boyfriend, contacted
him on Snapchat to let him know what was going on because she shouldn't
be allowed to behave that way. I’m even thinking of the good-natured
husband who right this second told his wife she can’t have another beer because
even though he means well and is a really good guy, it’s not his decision to
make.
It’s not his decision to make
because
we are not playthings
we are not possessions
we are not mindless
we are not kids
Women do not need saving
but
if ever we do, we can save ourselves.
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