I've never been the most rational person in the world, but believe me when I say that lately I've been making the worst decisions a person could possibly make. The first time Glenn and I separated, the principal of my school called me into her office and told me that when she got divorced she did some crazy things and made some horrible choices, so maybe bad-decision making is just something that goes along with the crumbling of a marriage. I honestly don't know. What I do know, though, is that as idiotic as I've been in my life, I've rarely been as idiotic as I have recently.
Shockingly, I'm not going to go into detail here. That's how stupid and embarrassing the decisions I've made have been. Despite the stupid things I've been doing, though, I still have some sense of self-preservation and, therefore, know enough not to list my idiocies of late.
What I will say is that I don't understand why I do the things I do. It's not like I don't know the difference between right and wrong. It's not like I don't tell myself that I'm not absolutely, positively, under no circumstances going to do something and then do that very thing five, four, even three minutes later. It's not like as I'm doing the things I do I don't realize how dumb or demeaning they are, chastise myself, and cringe both mentally and physically at my behavior. I know all of these things, and I do all of these things, and yet I do the stupid things anyway. I seriously feel powerless to stop the stupidity that overcomes me, and powerlessness, well...that's not a good feeling at all.
A week ago before I sobbed on her shoulder lamenting some of the particularly stupid things I'd recently done (in what was probably one of the most awkward situations of both of our lives), a woman I work with told me that what I need to do is work on listening to my inner voice. I know she's right. I just wish I knew how.