Friday, April 27, 2012

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends

I was sitting here playing words with friends when I got an email notification regarding a comment on my blog. I've since deleted the comment, but I feel compelled to post it here (please try to bear with the grammatical errors--it's going to be difficult, I know) and reply to its different parts. For the purpose of clarity, my replies will be prettily posted in pink.

y'know I wasn't going to reply to this, as I HATE to be involved with this aspect of your life (your shameless exibitionism), but since you are not answering your phone I will reply here. 
For somebody who doesn't want to be involved in this aspect of my life--you know, the shameless exhibitionism--this is an awfully odd choice of place to initiate correspondence. I wasn't answering my phone (because I don't have the stomach to talk to you?)? Is my email or Facebook message box broken? The claim as to your reason for posting here is obviously untrue.
If you have noticed that in recent years we have not hung out quite as much as we used to, well there is a reason for that.
You mean it's not because I loaned you twenty bucks and you never wanted to pay me back? Really, though, I don't know your reasoning, but if you'd like to ask Erin, Glenn, my mother, Griffin, my sister, and Lisa, it's because I don't like hanging out with you very much anymore. You're mean-spirited and insult me endlessly. Every chance you get, you find something bad to say. Hanging out with you is not fun. It's why I don't call you very much. To be honest, our friendship had become an obligation, which is something that I've felt bad about for a long time.
Your life is an endlessly repeating self made shitstorm and its hard not to get sucked in. How many times have you been on the outs with G now? I can no longer count them. You find some guy to get fascinated with and go off the rails on a crazy train.
I  have been interested in exactly one guy in the last five years. Count him. One.
How many nights has the conversation gone this way "Am I hot? would you have sex with me?"
It's actually gone like that never. I would never even ask if someone thinks I'm "hot" because I've never in my life considered myself to remotely be so. I'm well aware that cuteness is my virtue. I have no hot delusions. Our conversations have been a lot more like this--
Kelly: Do you think there's something wrong with me? I don't understand why Glenn never wants to have sex.
Guy Friend: No, there's nothing wrong with you. I'd hump the shit out of you. 
"I want to have sex all the time do you think I'm a nymphomaniac" Never in all of my life have I asked if anybody thought I was a nymphomaniac. Never. Is that even a real thing? Yes, I want to have sex all the time. I've never, ever thought anything was wrong with that.
You text whatever dude basicaly begging for sex.
I've wanted to have sex with one person other than Glenn in the past five years; in the past three, he's the only one I've ever text in a sexual nature (and before the last three years, I text no guy in that manner ever). And I haven't begged him for sex. Been more forward than I should be? Yes. Begged him to have sex with me? Hardly. Um, I'm not a crack whore.
Its pretty much an all night I'm unhappy/I wwish I could have sex-a-thon.It sucks. I'm sorry but it does. It gets so tiring sometimes. And I sympathize with you I truly do, but so much of it is your own fault that its hard sometimes.
I'm trying to fathom what the hell you're even talking about. I don't even remember the last time we hung out alone before Saturday night. This is so ridiculous, I don't even know how to reply.
As to the other night, I think what yoou said, at least concerning my motives, would be accurate about 10 years ago. I don't think you really know me anymore, and thats my fault. I would notin a million years expect you to have sex with me, which is pretty much why I did what I did. because nothings gonna happen.
What did I even say your motives were?I never said you had a specific motive. You said to me, more than once, that I should come to your house and have sex with you. You also took some things that you know about me and my likes/dislikes and threw those in, I guess to try to entice me. So, asked me to go to your house over and over so I wouldn't have sex with you? Yes, that makes perfect sense. Well played, sir.
You may be claiming now that you wanted sympathy, but when do you ever really want anything more than attention? It was something that had happened a dozen times before.
But that was like 10 years ago? Well, whats the difference between then and now? Same shit going on.
Um...what? I don't even know how to reply to this one. It's a bit unfocused, but I'll try. What happened a dozen times before? You tried to have sex with me? Sympathy and attention are pretty much the same thing. You can't show somebody sympathy without paying attention.
So I guess I'm pissed that you're pissed and decided to drag it out here.
I contemplated how you'd feel about it, but then I decided if you cared as little as you did about me on Saturday night, I shouldn't care how you felt about me telling people. I hardly think I was the one dragging it out. But I am now.
Are we still friends?
What do you think?
I don't know. I have to think about that, perhaps you've already made you're decision.
Most definitely. 
I just want to say this; you live your life like its some kind of play, and alot of times you treat the people in your life like they are actors, or worse stagehands.
Again, I'm not sure how to reply to this one. I don't even know what it means. I treat them like they're actors or stagehands because there's a lot of drama in my life and they're in it? I seriously don't get this one.
 I've tried to help you in the past. Whenever you have asked my advice I have always given the best i could, but you don't want to take it. You just want to keep the merry-go-round spinning and I'm getting dizzy.
When you finally get your first girlfriend, you can criticize me for not taking your advice. You have no idea what it's like to be in a relationship, so pardon me if I don't leave Glenn as you've told me to do so many times. When you decide to do something with your life other than sit around smoking pot all day--yeah, right. I'll just stop right there.
Call me if you want to talk, I won't be arguing further on the interwebs.
Okay, then. You wait for that phone call.

Kelly again, about to sign off--bear with me while I say one last thing:
19 years.


  1. I hate when people, out of nowhere, assume things... gosh!!! You have no idea how someone's feeling on the inside, so you can't just assume that you know everything about them... >.<

  2. Are you referring to me thinking I know things? If so, what? I'm truly confused.

  3. No. I was talking about him, how he thinks he knows everything that goes on in your life.

  4. All I can say is, what a scumbag. This guy actually called you a friend? He so should have known better than to try and take advantage of you.

  5. i would gladly beat his fuckin face in if u want me to Kelly and u know this !!! and he wont be the first guy ive beat the hell out of for you !!!

  6. Thank you for the offer, but it's totally unnecessary. He's out of my life now, that's all. Friends don't do things like that to each other.

  7. More fodder for therapy.