Saturday, April 7, 2012

Big Girl Will Cry

Maybe it's because I'm kind of crazy, but never in my life have I been levelheaded when it's come to boys. For me, falling for a boy has always been all consuming and life altering. When I'm in love, or on my way there, I'm absolutely incapable of thinking about anybody or anything other than that boy, and for that boy, there's pretty much nothing I won't do. When I love, I love like mad. Really.

I understand that I am not the norm.

I understand that I am not even close.

I understand that because of the way that I love, a whole lot of lovelorn is coming my way.

Here's the thing. As bad as things got with Glenn, I never once questioned whether or not he loved me. Yes, I spent a lot of time feeling lonely in my marriage, but even when he despised me, which was pretty often, and even when he didn't trust me, which was just about every second for the last three years, I knew that Glenn loved me. I knew that despite the fact that he wasn't able to show it the way that I wanted him to--the way I needed him to--he did, in fact, love me, and I knew that no matter what, he always would.

I'm no longer privy to such security, not from Glenn, and certainly not from anybody else.

What I'm privy to instead is the knowledge that I'm once again going to fall hard for boys that don't fall back. I'm going to be vulnerable and naive, trust too much, and end up disappointed. I'm going to be too secure, and I'm going to be insecure, probably hour by hour or even more frequently than that. I'm not going to know how to play the silly games that single people play, the ones that I've never played, and I'm going to say things I should not. I'm going to wait for texts and phone calls that never come, and I'm going to wonder when it's the right time to text or to call.

I'm going to dwell, I'm going to cry, and I'm going to hurt.

I am       going to break.

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