Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Beat Goes On

Either a little more than two years ago or a little more than one year ago (the fact that I don't know which one shows just how stagnantly repetitive my life is), one of the times when I was mourning the loss of C and resenting the entrapment I felt after agreeing to remain in my marriage (if you read my old blog or know me, you know exactly what I'm talking about), an old student of mine, Ronald, visited me after school, and we hung out for a little while talking. During our talk, he mentioned that had recently broken up with his girlfriend. Concerned, I asked him how he was doing, and he answered that he was doing pretty well. He said that he'd been upset for a while but soon realized that life is going to go on no matter what, and that we can either be miserable, or we can be happy. He chose to be happy.

I know what he said isn't exactly revelatory, but let me tell you something: when he said that to me, I had a revelation. I literally stopped walking (we were en route to the parking lot), grabbed his arm, and said, "Wait...what? Will you say that again?" I made him repeat it not only once, but twice, and then I repeated it to him to make sure I got it right, and then I repeated it to myself on the way home in my car. I repeated it, and I repeated it, and I repeated it again until I felt sure that I wouldn't forget it.

And then I chose.

It worked, too. I felt like a new person. I don't know why Ronald's words affected me so much; it wasn't like he'd said anything I hadn't already heard in one way or another. Maybe I was just ready for a change and his words came at the right time. Maybe I was just desperate for something to believe in.  Maybe, maybe, maybe--the truth is, I'll never know why they affected me so strongly. All I know is that they did affect me, and they affected me big.

After that talk, I did what I had previously been unable to do. I stopped moping over C. I committed to my marriage. I embraced my life. I realized that the thought of living the way I had been living for so long was unthinkable and I could no longer live it. I did exactly what Ronald told me to do. I chose to be happy.

Well, if you're reading this blog entry, you've most likely read the entries leading up to this one, so you know that Happiness isn't exactly where I am. If you know that, though--if you think that--if you feel you've gathered enough information to safely say that this is what's so, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong.

Once again, I'm making a choice.

(Just in case you don't remember what it is, let me say it to you one more time.)

Life is going to go on. We can either be miserable, or we can be happy.

Ronald chose to be happy.
And so do I.


  1. Never mind what I said earlier... you made the right decision. I know I would do the same!!!

  2. No Mondyna, I think you were right with your original comment. True , there has been much pain, but I feel there is a deep love there that she is resisting. There is a risk but possibly a great reward as well.
    Are outside forces at work? They can influence and cloud the mind. I believe she should take two steps back, isolate from any outside voices, pro or con, and contemplate her future. Obviously this man has flaws, serious flaws that need to be addressed, but he also seems like he truly loves her. That is hard to find in this world.

  3. True... but at the end of the day it's HER life, and whatever she thinks will bring her happiness, she should go for it.