One of the things that I don't want to happen over the next month is for my blog to turn into nothing but a blog about boys, but omg, I had not one but two boy-related things happen today, and I have have have to talk about one of them. I really want to talk about the other one, too, but since it involves someone who could possibly see it or be told about it, I just can't (well, I can't talk about it here. The people who watch my Snapchat story are going to hear all about it tonight).
I know I told you a long time ago that I deleted my Tinder--and I did--but I'm still on Bumble, for no other reason honestly than I don't know my login info and have no idea how to get rid of it. I could just not go on it, yes, but when it's right there on my phone and I'm lying in bed not sleeping at night, what else is there to do than swipe mostly to the left? So last night while I was swiping I saw this super cute Eastern European guy who not only looked like Sergei Federov circa 1995 in street clothes in his first few photos but was actually wearing a hockey uniform a few photos in, and, well, how could I not swipe right for him?
(I couldn't. That's the answer. I couldn't not swipe right for the hot Eastern European guy in a hockey uniform. That would be impossible.)
We matched, of course--and I don't say of course because I'm like, of course every guy I swipe right for matches with me, but because if we didn't match, there clearly wouldn't be a story--but since it was late I didn't message him till today. He messaged back fairly quickly, and the messaging went something like this:
Hot Hockey Guy: Does size matter goddess?
Hot Hockey Guy: Please say no
I'm not embellishing here. Hot Hockey Guy actually called me goddess.
Goddess (because why the hell not?): Well, I guess that depends exactly what you're talking about because size can refer to more than one thing
Goddess: What exactly are you talking about?
Hot Hockey Guy: lol
Hot Hockey Guy: Goddess guess
Goddess: Okay, first of all you have to stop calling me goddess and second of all, it could mean height
(I'd seen his pictures. He clearly didn't mean height.)
Hot Hockey Guy: Not height
Goddess: Well, I mean, small is pretty subjective so like how small is really small and also, I don't really think this is the conversation you should lead with when talking to women
Hot Hockey Guy: Pretty small. Every girl I'm with tells me I'm too small
Hot Hockey Guy: Sorry I just wanted to find out
(Goddess here to interject. What the fuck is wrong with women? How does someone--multiple someones--just tell a guy his penis is too small?)
Goddess: Well, if it's really that small, I'm sure you do other stuff to make up for it
Hot Hockey Guy disappears for a few minutes and then I get a notification, not that Hot Hockey Guy has sent a message, but that Hot Hockey Guy has...sent a pic.
A pic!
So I'm sitting there staring at the lock screen on my phone, and I'm talking to myself out loud, and I'm like, Oh, God, please tell me this guy did not send me a picture of his dick do not be a dick pic do not be a dick pic do not be a dick--
It was a fucking dick.
Hot Hockey Guy sent me a picture of himself lying on a bed with an erection, his penis in his hand for scale.
Hot Hockey Guy: See?
Hot Hockey Guy: I do other stuff
And while I'm mulling this all over, bam! Another dick pic, this time with his hand hovering over it I guess so I could see it from another perspective.
Yayyyy.
Goddess (after she gets over her utter disbelief which shouldn't even have been because seriously nothing guys do should surprise Goddess these days): Okay, so you look super hot in your pictures but I totally did not want to see those pictures and I don't know if anything ever would have ended up happening with us but now it's never going to and it absolutely has nothing to do with the size of your penis
So I go back to making my vegan pancakes that up until now I haven't mentioned I was making and see Hot Hockey Guy has sent me another message but by the time I finish mixing the dry ingredients into the wet and check my phone, Hot Hockey Guy (whose first and last name I actually know because like the silly boy he clearly he is, he posted his Instagram info on his profile), our messages, and his dick pics are gone.
And I know crazy is subjective, like whether or not Hot Hockey Guy really has a little dick, but I'm not entirely sure that's the crazier story of today's two.
I know I told you a long time ago that I deleted my Tinder--and I did--but I'm still on Bumble, for no other reason honestly than I don't know my login info and have no idea how to get rid of it. I could just not go on it, yes, but when it's right there on my phone and I'm lying in bed not sleeping at night, what else is there to do than swipe mostly to the left? So last night while I was swiping I saw this super cute Eastern European guy who not only looked like Sergei Federov circa 1995 in street clothes in his first few photos but was actually wearing a hockey uniform a few photos in, and, well, how could I not swipe right for him?
(I couldn't. That's the answer. I couldn't not swipe right for the hot Eastern European guy in a hockey uniform. That would be impossible.)
We matched, of course--and I don't say of course because I'm like, of course every guy I swipe right for matches with me, but because if we didn't match, there clearly wouldn't be a story--but since it was late I didn't message him till today. He messaged back fairly quickly, and the messaging went something like this:
Hot Hockey Guy: Does size matter goddess?
Hot Hockey Guy: Please say no
I'm not embellishing here. Hot Hockey Guy actually called me goddess.
Goddess (because why the hell not?): Well, I guess that depends exactly what you're talking about because size can refer to more than one thing
Goddess: What exactly are you talking about?
Hot Hockey Guy: lol
Hot Hockey Guy: Goddess guess
Goddess: Okay, first of all you have to stop calling me goddess and second of all, it could mean height
(I'd seen his pictures. He clearly didn't mean height.)
Hot Hockey Guy: Not height
Goddess: Well, I mean, small is pretty subjective so like how small is really small and also, I don't really think this is the conversation you should lead with when talking to women
Hot Hockey Guy: Pretty small. Every girl I'm with tells me I'm too small
Hot Hockey Guy: Sorry I just wanted to find out
(Goddess here to interject. What the fuck is wrong with women? How does someone--multiple someones--just tell a guy his penis is too small?)
Goddess: Well, if it's really that small, I'm sure you do other stuff to make up for it
Hot Hockey Guy disappears for a few minutes and then I get a notification, not that Hot Hockey Guy has sent a message, but that Hot Hockey Guy has...sent a pic.
A pic!
So I'm sitting there staring at the lock screen on my phone, and I'm talking to myself out loud, and I'm like, Oh, God, please tell me this guy did not send me a picture of his dick do not be a dick pic do not be a dick pic do not be a dick--
It was a fucking dick.
Hot Hockey Guy sent me a picture of himself lying on a bed with an erection, his penis in his hand for scale.
Hot Hockey Guy: See?
Hot Hockey Guy: I do other stuff
And while I'm mulling this all over, bam! Another dick pic, this time with his hand hovering over it I guess so I could see it from another perspective.
Yayyyy.
Goddess (after she gets over her utter disbelief which shouldn't even have been because seriously nothing guys do should surprise Goddess these days): Okay, so you look super hot in your pictures but I totally did not want to see those pictures and I don't know if anything ever would have ended up happening with us but now it's never going to and it absolutely has nothing to do with the size of your penis
So I go back to making my vegan pancakes that up until now I haven't mentioned I was making and see Hot Hockey Guy has sent me another message but by the time I finish mixing the dry ingredients into the wet and check my phone, Hot Hockey Guy (whose first and last name I actually know because like the silly boy he clearly he is, he posted his Instagram info on his profile), our messages, and his dick pics are gone.
And I know crazy is subjective, like whether or not Hot Hockey Guy really has a little dick, but I'm not entirely sure that's the crazier story of today's two.
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