Friday, June 22, 2018

And to Think That I'm Somebody's Daughter

So in less than twelve hours--I'm hoping less than 10--the kid who leaves lube all over the house, the girl he uses the lube with, and I will be embarking on a trip to Milwaukee, Chicago, and Columbus. I should probably be a lot more excited, but the prospect of being the sole driver on an over 3,000 mile trip isn't exactly the most appealing thing plus I'm having BTJ issues again, and I have to say, regarding him, I need to be done. You know what? I thought I was going to write about my trip, but I'm going to say some things about BTJ instead which really are observations about myself and not about BTJ at all.

When I first met BTJ, I wasn't sure I liked him. After the second time we hung out--really, even after the third--I just wasn't sure. I knew I liked hanging out with him, but I really didn't love doing anything else. I mean, it was nice, but it wasn't wow. Two things to make you better understand: one, my good friend said he was convenient but my kitty didn't like BTJ (this would be a much wittier statement if you knew his real name) and two, I bought a maca chocolate bar on impulse while I was in line at Lucky's with the intent of eating it before he came over because I wanted to want what he wasn't making me want (does that make any sense?).

It wasn't until BTJ didn't text me back that I started to care. When I was trying to decide whether to text him or not, that same good friend asked, How did we get here? You didn't even like him at all, and let me tell you, she wasn't wrong. Also not wrong, which you already know, is that we're not compatible in the way that we kiss, and you don't know some other things because they're super personal, but they're also amiss. So every single sign screams WRONG WAY, yet what do I do? I continue to proceed, not even with any particular caution at all.

When my ex-Glenn and I first met, we couldn't stand each other. At all. After that first night, we bumped into each other at coffeehouses once or twice, and the hate was still there. Almost a year after that first night, he came into the CD store where I worked, and when he, our friend Marnie, and their friend Ben made plans to go out that night, I invited myself along. After a few drinks, my ex-Glenn and I ended up having sex in my car (because do I ever do anything else?), and not long after, Marnie relayed something about how much he still couldn't stand me. To be honest, I could never really stand him, but hearing that he couldn't stand me and there was no way in hell we'd ever go out? Guess what became the main mission of me.

I have a problem, I'm aware. I often only seem to care when the other person seems to not. I'm sitting here all upset and mopey about BTJ again despite the fact that practically nothing about him is right, despite the fact that after the other night while I was lying in bed not getting kissed, I was thinking, This is totally not okay and I will never do this again, words I need to apply not just to the other night, not just to BTJ, but to this pattern that has played out, that continues to play out for my entire life.

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