Just as a quick follow up to yesterday's debacle, BTJ ended up texting me not long after I posted last night, saying that he'd stayed a little late at work to help and wanted to hang out if I still did. He ended up coming over for a few hours of neither pancakes nor sex but just talking and hanging out. The screenshots weren't mentioned for a couple hours, and while yes, I turned all red and got insanely embarrassed, it wasn't that bad.
Which actually, although not my original intention when I sat down to write this post, brought me to a realization I guess I have to write about now, and that's that I am an absolute and utter lunatic from time to time. I'm not saying I'm a lunatic for sending that screenshot--just a fool--nor am I saying that I just realized now or last night that I'm a part-time loonie (and did I just seriously use the word nor two times in one post?) but that I had a realization about a certain aspect of my lunacy.
I'm pretty sure I've never told you this, so if I'm being redundant I apologize, but one of the things that came up when I was seeing A is that I'm a bit extreme, like for example if somebody is supposed to text me at 3:00 and I haven't heard from the person by 6:00, I'm roughly ninety-five percent certain that they've decided they want nothing to do with me and are never going to talk to me again. I blame it all on C, who disappeared on me repeatedly for years (sometimes for good reason, sometimes not), and while we're on the subject of C, it's during the summer of 2015 that I started developing this particular type of lunacy (I mean, I've always been extreme, it's just that this particular type of extreme didn't come out until then). Every other weekend we'd hang out, text or snap for a day or so after, and then he'd be gone for the next 12 or 13 days during which I'd lament and kvetch to our friends asking why he wasn't talking to me and what I'd done wrong to which they'd respond that C didn't text anyone back during the week and it wasn't just me. Sometimes I'd be mollified by their responses, and sometimes I'd be sure he was again just done with me, which of course to an extreme person and sometimes lunatic like me led to many a text that could definitely be put in the category of extreme. I remember one particular time he hadn't text me back in what seemed like an acceptable time to text back--and just for clarification, normal text me back time for C was at least a day, sometimes several, so while I may be extreme and something of a lunatic, I'm not as crazy as I may be making myself seem--and I wrote this long, long, long text that went on about how I didn't understand what I'd done wrong and why wasn't he answering me and the last time we hung out this and that and blah blah blah, but I didn't send it, and thank God I didn't send it, because don't you just know, not long after I wrote the unsent text, he messaged me back.
When I was seeing A, while not nearly as bad, I jumped the gun definitely once, maybe twice. He was surprisingly patient with me because let me tell you, if I were him and he were me, I'd be like calm the fuck down, you crazy, crazy woman, and I probably wouldn't have talked to me again but he just said that he really likes me and isn't going anywhere but he thinks maybe I'm a bit too extreme.
Which brings me to BTJ. Last night when he didn't text me by a little after ten which was when he was supposed to get off, I was sure he was never going to talk to me again because of the screenshot thing. Like, there was no doubt in my mind. Part of me wanted to text him to explain/apologize, to say something like, I guess you're annoyed because of the screenshot thing... I even text a friend to ask her opinion--we decided if I did message it shouldn't be that night--which is good because he obviously wasn't annoyed and texting that text would have made a bigger deal of the whole thing and made me seem while maybe not crazy, seriously neurotic at the very least (which, yes, we all know is true, but does he really need to know?).
So that not-so-new realization that was reinforced last night with BTJ? I need to fucking stop. I need to relax. I need to wait, I need to see. I need to understand that not everything happens on my timeline, and that when it doesn't, it doesn't mean disaster has struck but rather by being sure that disaster has struck, I'm almost certain to make it strike.
Which actually, although not my original intention when I sat down to write this post, brought me to a realization I guess I have to write about now, and that's that I am an absolute and utter lunatic from time to time. I'm not saying I'm a lunatic for sending that screenshot--just a fool--nor am I saying that I just realized now or last night that I'm a part-time loonie (and did I just seriously use the word nor two times in one post?) but that I had a realization about a certain aspect of my lunacy.
I'm pretty sure I've never told you this, so if I'm being redundant I apologize, but one of the things that came up when I was seeing A is that I'm a bit extreme, like for example if somebody is supposed to text me at 3:00 and I haven't heard from the person by 6:00, I'm roughly ninety-five percent certain that they've decided they want nothing to do with me and are never going to talk to me again. I blame it all on C, who disappeared on me repeatedly for years (sometimes for good reason, sometimes not), and while we're on the subject of C, it's during the summer of 2015 that I started developing this particular type of lunacy (I mean, I've always been extreme, it's just that this particular type of extreme didn't come out until then). Every other weekend we'd hang out, text or snap for a day or so after, and then he'd be gone for the next 12 or 13 days during which I'd lament and kvetch to our friends asking why he wasn't talking to me and what I'd done wrong to which they'd respond that C didn't text anyone back during the week and it wasn't just me. Sometimes I'd be mollified by their responses, and sometimes I'd be sure he was again just done with me, which of course to an extreme person and sometimes lunatic like me led to many a text that could definitely be put in the category of extreme. I remember one particular time he hadn't text me back in what seemed like an acceptable time to text back--and just for clarification, normal text me back time for C was at least a day, sometimes several, so while I may be extreme and something of a lunatic, I'm not as crazy as I may be making myself seem--and I wrote this long, long, long text that went on about how I didn't understand what I'd done wrong and why wasn't he answering me and the last time we hung out this and that and blah blah blah, but I didn't send it, and thank God I didn't send it, because don't you just know, not long after I wrote the unsent text, he messaged me back.
When I was seeing A, while not nearly as bad, I jumped the gun definitely once, maybe twice. He was surprisingly patient with me because let me tell you, if I were him and he were me, I'd be like calm the fuck down, you crazy, crazy woman, and I probably wouldn't have talked to me again but he just said that he really likes me and isn't going anywhere but he thinks maybe I'm a bit too extreme.
Which brings me to BTJ. Last night when he didn't text me by a little after ten which was when he was supposed to get off, I was sure he was never going to talk to me again because of the screenshot thing. Like, there was no doubt in my mind. Part of me wanted to text him to explain/apologize, to say something like, I guess you're annoyed because of the screenshot thing... I even text a friend to ask her opinion--we decided if I did message it shouldn't be that night--which is good because he obviously wasn't annoyed and texting that text would have made a bigger deal of the whole thing and made me seem while maybe not crazy, seriously neurotic at the very least (which, yes, we all know is true, but does he really need to know?).
So that not-so-new realization that was reinforced last night with BTJ? I need to fucking stop. I need to relax. I need to wait, I need to see. I need to understand that not everything happens on my timeline, and that when it doesn't, it doesn't mean disaster has struck but rather by being sure that disaster has struck, I'm almost certain to make it strike.
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