In the never ending saga of Kel Is a Complete Fucking Idiot Who Fails at Everything Boy, I just got home from Trader Joe's. (Well, technically I'm at Starbucks but first I went home.) BTJ and I--I think--no longer talk. I know what you're thinking. How do I not know if someone and I talk? Did you see the name of my saga? Hello.
I tried to be laid back, relax and wait and see Kel like I said I would in Marshmallow, but laid back, relax and wait and see Kel just isn't me. Well, scratch that. I could relax and I could wait and see to a certain extent--and I totally did--but at some point that nonsense just stops.
Exhibit A: BTJ and I hung out at my house on Sunday night till like 2 and everything was good. Like, really good. He kissed me goodbye when he left, and I definitely didn't have any feelings of I wonder what's going on. I text him the next night at like midnight just to tell him he gave me a bruise on my tongue (which I think is a good reason to text. I mean, it's a crazy thing) and didn't necessarily need, or even expect, a response, which is good because I didn't get one. But then Tuesday went by and then Wednesday and then Thursday, and well, I'm sure you didn't see this coming at all, but still no text.
Thursday night is pancake night in my house and has been for years (hence the sex vs pancake conversation from the Thursday before). The night we met, BTJ told me he loves chocolate chip pancakes, so I was like, should I text him and ask if he wants pancakes or should I not? Because if he wanted me or my pancakes, I'm of the belief that he would have text me on his own. But I'm also of the belief that if we want things to happen, sometimes we have to make them. But I'm also of that other belief that I need to just relax and wait and see and be less extreme, but for how long? So I went back and forth and back and forth and asked almost every person I know and finally decided, against the advice of everyone except one person, it wouldn't hurt to text.
So I did. I text BTJ very breezily if I do say so myself, just asking if he wanted me to make him some pancakes, and well, as much as I hate to put it here for everyone who reads my blog to see, he didn't text back. Not a no thank you, not a nope, not a no--all things that would have let me know what was up--not a you know what? I think this isn't going to work, not a sorry I have to go right home to water my plants, not an I stumbled across your blog and you're insane leave me the fuck alone, not a pancakes are gross and so are you go away you gross gross human being.
He just completely didn't respond.
Okay, so somebody telling me they're not interested or making an excuse or just not being nice, that I can handle fairly fine. But being completely ignored? I do not handle that well. So the rest of Thursday went by as did Friday day and Friday night, which of course a drunk like me on my first official day of summer vacation was, well, drunk, and so of course I did what I knew I shouldn't do. I text BTJ. What I said doesn't matter and is definitely not intended for general audiences or even the PG-13 crowd, but he did text me back shortly after I sent it, telling me he was "so sorry" and had meant to text but was busy and preoccupied all week and that he was out, and well, I never text back which is how I find myself in the position of not knowing if we're talking any more and my going away for eight days tomorrow to score AP exams and having to buy enough food for Keifer to eat for a week is how I found myself at Trader Joe's where BTJ was right in the front scanning groceries, the cutest grocery scanner I ever did see, and there I was, grocery shopping whilst fighting with Kei, already uncomfortable about being in the same place as BTJ and the fighting with Kei making it worse, and there I also was, not knowing what line to go through--like, should I have gone through his line? Or is that creepy and weird? The notion of it felt creepy and weird and also awkward and like something that would make me want to just disappear into an alternate dimension or die. But is deliberately not going through his line even creepier and weirder? Because that means I'm purposely avoiding him and what does that say? If I had a friend who worked somewhere I'd go through that person's line on purpose even if I had to wait, so if I'm trying to be normal, is that what I should have done? But I don't know if we're friends.
Obviously, I didn't go through his line.
Picture this instead: I'm standing five lines over but completely pretending he doesn't exist, not talking to Keifer because he's mad at me and doesn't want to talk, which gives me no choice but to stand there like a complete idiot, completely silent with nothing to do, wondering if BTJ even saw me--I have no idea--and on purpose trying not to look at him even though when I was standing there having my groceries scanned he was right there in front of me and impossible not to see. And then--and then!--when I was walking out, when I was about to walk right past him, these kids, these stupid fucking kids, stood there blocking me at the end of his register for at least a minute and I didn't want to say excuse me because then he'd hear my voice and plus excuse me is totally what you say to employees when you want their attention so Keifer and I just stood there, we just stood and stood and stood while I was panic stricken on the inside, we stood long enough for me to turn to Kei and ask him if this was really happening, which of course it was really happening because it's fucking me, and then finally the kids moved and I walked right by without turning my head and I swear to god, I shouldn't even be allowed to leave my house. I am the most awkward, unsure, uncomfortable person ever to walk the face of the earth and not only is it completely obvious why I'm alone but it's also an absolute wonder I ever date people at all.
I tried to be laid back, relax and wait and see Kel like I said I would in Marshmallow, but laid back, relax and wait and see Kel just isn't me. Well, scratch that. I could relax and I could wait and see to a certain extent--and I totally did--but at some point that nonsense just stops.
Exhibit A: BTJ and I hung out at my house on Sunday night till like 2 and everything was good. Like, really good. He kissed me goodbye when he left, and I definitely didn't have any feelings of I wonder what's going on. I text him the next night at like midnight just to tell him he gave me a bruise on my tongue (which I think is a good reason to text. I mean, it's a crazy thing) and didn't necessarily need, or even expect, a response, which is good because I didn't get one. But then Tuesday went by and then Wednesday and then Thursday, and well, I'm sure you didn't see this coming at all, but still no text.
Thursday night is pancake night in my house and has been for years (hence the sex vs pancake conversation from the Thursday before). The night we met, BTJ told me he loves chocolate chip pancakes, so I was like, should I text him and ask if he wants pancakes or should I not? Because if he wanted me or my pancakes, I'm of the belief that he would have text me on his own. But I'm also of the belief that if we want things to happen, sometimes we have to make them. But I'm also of that other belief that I need to just relax and wait and see and be less extreme, but for how long? So I went back and forth and back and forth and asked almost every person I know and finally decided, against the advice of everyone except one person, it wouldn't hurt to text.
So I did. I text BTJ very breezily if I do say so myself, just asking if he wanted me to make him some pancakes, and well, as much as I hate to put it here for everyone who reads my blog to see, he didn't text back. Not a no thank you, not a nope, not a no--all things that would have let me know what was up--not a you know what? I think this isn't going to work, not a sorry I have to go right home to water my plants, not an I stumbled across your blog and you're insane leave me the fuck alone, not a pancakes are gross and so are you go away you gross gross human being.
He just completely didn't respond.
Okay, so somebody telling me they're not interested or making an excuse or just not being nice, that I can handle fairly fine. But being completely ignored? I do not handle that well. So the rest of Thursday went by as did Friday day and Friday night, which of course a drunk like me on my first official day of summer vacation was, well, drunk, and so of course I did what I knew I shouldn't do. I text BTJ. What I said doesn't matter and is definitely not intended for general audiences or even the PG-13 crowd, but he did text me back shortly after I sent it, telling me he was "so sorry" and had meant to text but was busy and preoccupied all week and that he was out, and well, I never text back which is how I find myself in the position of not knowing if we're talking any more and my going away for eight days tomorrow to score AP exams and having to buy enough food for Keifer to eat for a week is how I found myself at Trader Joe's where BTJ was right in the front scanning groceries, the cutest grocery scanner I ever did see, and there I was, grocery shopping whilst fighting with Kei, already uncomfortable about being in the same place as BTJ and the fighting with Kei making it worse, and there I also was, not knowing what line to go through--like, should I have gone through his line? Or is that creepy and weird? The notion of it felt creepy and weird and also awkward and like something that would make me want to just disappear into an alternate dimension or die. But is deliberately not going through his line even creepier and weirder? Because that means I'm purposely avoiding him and what does that say? If I had a friend who worked somewhere I'd go through that person's line on purpose even if I had to wait, so if I'm trying to be normal, is that what I should have done? But I don't know if we're friends.
Obviously, I didn't go through his line.
Picture this instead: I'm standing five lines over but completely pretending he doesn't exist, not talking to Keifer because he's mad at me and doesn't want to talk, which gives me no choice but to stand there like a complete idiot, completely silent with nothing to do, wondering if BTJ even saw me--I have no idea--and on purpose trying not to look at him even though when I was standing there having my groceries scanned he was right there in front of me and impossible not to see. And then--and then!--when I was walking out, when I was about to walk right past him, these kids, these stupid fucking kids, stood there blocking me at the end of his register for at least a minute and I didn't want to say excuse me because then he'd hear my voice and plus excuse me is totally what you say to employees when you want their attention so Keifer and I just stood there, we just stood and stood and stood while I was panic stricken on the inside, we stood long enough for me to turn to Kei and ask him if this was really happening, which of course it was really happening because it's fucking me, and then finally the kids moved and I walked right by without turning my head and I swear to god, I shouldn't even be allowed to leave my house. I am the most awkward, unsure, uncomfortable person ever to walk the face of the earth and not only is it completely obvious why I'm alone but it's also an absolute wonder I ever date people at all.
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